My Routine and My Darkest Place

I have chemo every other Friday. Bryan takes off of work and comes with me and my grandma watches the girls. Chemo takes about four hours and we usually do crossword puzzles together or just hang. Friday night I typically get one bout of nausea and take a pill, and other than that feel pretty good. I do get very hot - like it's 90 degrees and I start "smelling the chemo" - a chemical-like odor I smell on myself that no one else seems to smell.

The Saturday after chemo I feel pretty good all day long and usually go shopping with my mom or sister just to get out of the house before it kicks in. Saturday night I tend to fall asleep around 9:30ish, sometimes earlier.

Sunday I'm exhausted, can really smell the chemo on me, feel queasy, and just not well. Some Sundays are better than others, but I tend to spend a good chunk of the day in my bed watching whatever series on DVD. My sister let me borrow her portable DVD player and I went thru seven seasons of Srubs and started Bones season 1.

Monday Bryan takes off to stay with me and it's more of the same as it was Sunday with the addition of bone pain. I get pains as if someone is sticking a pin into me all over my body, here there and everywhere. Because I'm limited to Tylenol and Percocet, I go with the Percocet to help get rid of these. I try to limit my percocet intake because it can cause constipation and God knows, I don't want to deal with that again. Mondays instead of just laying in bed, I have pillows between my knees or under my leg or whatever is hurting the worst that day.

Tuesday the queasiness goes away and I don't really get tired except for a bout in the afternoon. My mom, dad, and sister have been rotating coming over on this day to help me with the kiddos and let me nap as needed. Even tho the pains are the worst on this day, I love this day because I get to spend time with my family.

Wednesday everything subsides except the pains. The pain is not as severe as the day before, but still there and in a more annoying achy way. It's like this until at least Friday or Saturday, but I've learned to live with it and not let it stop me. My grandma was coming over on this day and then rest of my days home alone so I could walk Skye to school and pick her up. She would stay for the three hours so I could rest. (school is over now)

The following week I start Neupogen shots on Monday and have them thru Wednesday. These are the shots in my belly that make my body produce more marrow. These shots cause even more severe pain than the chemo, but I need them to boost my cell counts. These pains are very sharp pains in my lower spine and hip bones and they come out of nowhere. It's almost comedic to see me walking along and fly to the left as a pain shoots thru me. These pains typically start Tuesday and go thru Thursday, bringing me back to Chemo Friday.

Through a lot of this, I have managed to stay fairly positive with only a few minor "dark" days. Around mid-May I went into a very dark place. It started with a bad day with the girls, no one was listening to me the whole day and by the time Bryan got home I couldn't take another minute. I went into my room and stayed there until they were asleep. I came out crying and went on and on about not being able to deal with things because I'm too busy and how no one cares that I'm sick and no one listens to me. Bryan didn't know what to say, but I do know he had a talk with the kids. Unlike most dark days, I didn't just snap out of it after a good night's sleep...

May 15, 2009
I'm tired - like can hardly keep my eyes open kind of tired. My head hurts which is making me nauseous. My stomach burns as if I swallowed poison. My bones from my lower back down thru my toes are in pain. I didn't sleep much last night because bone pain on the right side of my upper body and both sides of my lower body. One pain pill isn't enough but two make me feel sick. I sweat all night long. Everything is making either tear up or become enraged. I haven't had my period since the beginning of April which is a bitter-sweet thing. I hate the way I smell - like chemicals and rubbing alcohol. I have to start shots on Monday to boost my cell counts that will cause even more bone pain and will cost me a small fortune. I am constantly worrying about how we're going to financially survive. I have three little people looking to me for something fun to do. I only feel really good about two days in a two week period. And I have to go thru this for about 13 more weeks.

The pains and sickness I wrote of in this journal entry are part of my routine. Some days aren't so bad and some are worse, but I can't let it keep me down. This was my darkest, and I was in this funk for about a week. It was a scary place to be but I think that I needed to be there for awhile, to really feel it instead of just going along and suppressing everything.