As I lay in bed this morning, dozing in and out, debating whether or not to get up the phone rang. No one answered it, and I got the thought in my head that it was Dr. H's office calling to tell me they found something on my CT. The more I tried to push the thought out of my head and go back to sleep, the more convinced I was that I was right.
I wasn't.
I should've just went back to bed.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Check, Check 1-2-3
It's that time again! Wednesday is my CT, and so will begin the week-long cycle of numbness, fear, paranoia, panic, sleepless nights, bitchiness, getting lost in my own head, and finally physical illness when I enter the clinic for my results. It's a bittersweet experience for me. I'm glad to have the CT done. I want to have it done more often. If I had to have one done every month, you'd never hear me complain about it. But a lot can happen in the six months between scans and I know all too well that doctors and radiologists miss things. And so I live in my own brand of hell from a day or two before the scan, until I get the results.
I was in Bryan's den the other day grabbing the presents to wrap and saw a picture on his desk of him and I at Miller Park. I swam through the sludge in my mind trying to place that memory - gone. I don't remember that picture or that day. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to remember - if I'm that desperate for leave the whole cancer experience behind me that he's just become collateral damage. But then I look at my kids and how desperate I am to remember how they smelled when they were babies and I know that's not the case. I just can't figure out how my feelings could change so drastically, so fast.
I wish I could find one person to talk to in complete honesty who would never breathe a word of it to anyone.
I was in Bryan's den the other day grabbing the presents to wrap and saw a picture on his desk of him and I at Miller Park. I swam through the sludge in my mind trying to place that memory - gone. I don't remember that picture or that day. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to remember - if I'm that desperate for leave the whole cancer experience behind me that he's just become collateral damage. But then I look at my kids and how desperate I am to remember how they smelled when they were babies and I know that's not the case. I just can't figure out how my feelings could change so drastically, so fast.
I wish I could find one person to talk to in complete honesty who would never breathe a word of it to anyone.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Cold
When I think about my husband, I feel cold.
When I think about the lump on the back of my neck I just found, I feel cold.
When I think about the CT scan I have next week, I feel cold.
When I think about my life - pissed off!
My neck has been hurting pretty bad for the last two weeks. I keep thinking it'll go away when I stop sleeping on the damn couch - and some days it does hurt worse than other days. I check it daily for lumps, bumps, and bulges and have found nothing, until last night. On the back of my neck there was a tender lump. I'm confulded as to what I should do about it. I don't have that shitty sinking feeling like I did when I first found the huge buldge in my neck in '09. I feel nothing about it but annoyed that I have to think about this so close to Christmas.
Next week is my CT scan. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me doesn't want to go. I know that I could never go through chemo again and come out it without being a seriously damaged person. The last bout made me a little crazy, a little extreme on the emo scale, and a lot forgetful. I just don't think I would have it in my to do it again. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also don't trust that a CT of my chest would catch everything. I feel like they should be checking all the areas that were affected - like my N-E-C-K.
As for life, well it just pisses me off that I have to deal with any of the above. Not that I expect some fairy tale ending, but you know I think that I'm a pretty good person and I see all of these shitty, judgemental people sitting up on their high horses with everything they ever wanted around them. All I want is to be healthy and happy and I'm really starting to see that they go hand in hand...
When I think about the lump on the back of my neck I just found, I feel cold.
When I think about the CT scan I have next week, I feel cold.
When I think about my life - pissed off!
My neck has been hurting pretty bad for the last two weeks. I keep thinking it'll go away when I stop sleeping on the damn couch - and some days it does hurt worse than other days. I check it daily for lumps, bumps, and bulges and have found nothing, until last night. On the back of my neck there was a tender lump. I'm confulded as to what I should do about it. I don't have that shitty sinking feeling like I did when I first found the huge buldge in my neck in '09. I feel nothing about it but annoyed that I have to think about this so close to Christmas.
Next week is my CT scan. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me doesn't want to go. I know that I could never go through chemo again and come out it without being a seriously damaged person. The last bout made me a little crazy, a little extreme on the emo scale, and a lot forgetful. I just don't think I would have it in my to do it again. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also don't trust that a CT of my chest would catch everything. I feel like they should be checking all the areas that were affected - like my N-E-C-K.
As for life, well it just pisses me off that I have to deal with any of the above. Not that I expect some fairy tale ending, but you know I think that I'm a pretty good person and I see all of these shitty, judgemental people sitting up on their high horses with everything they ever wanted around them. All I want is to be healthy and happy and I'm really starting to see that they go hand in hand...
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