Since cancer first entered my life almost four years ago, every birthday is a celebration of my survivorship. Holidays however, are something completely different.
First there is the overwhelming list of things to do, and by overwhelming I mean my mind can only process one thing at a time during a time when multitasking is essential. As an example, I just remembered today that I haven't delivered Girl Scout nuts to a friend of mine that came in a month or so ago. I have no excuse other than I forgot. Plain and simple. This is the way it goes with most things these days. These memory lapses lead to my feeling useless and even stupid.
Next there are of the demands from the outside world. People calling me, begging me to make decisions about when, where, and what to do. The questions that need to be answered ASAP drive me into tears as my slow mind struggles to process decisions.
Finally, there is the ever-present feeling of doom that consumes me. This may very well be my last Christmas. These may be the last gifts I watch my girls open. This may be the last cookie exchange I participate in, or the last tree I decorate.
Sadly, this is Christmas for me. This and a glass of wine to take the edge off.
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