The Results

The biopsy was on a Thursday and by Monday I was going out of my mind waiting for the results. I had an appointment for Wednesday February 11, 2009 with the surgeon as a follow-up but couldn't wait until then, and deep down I didn't want him to give me the results.

Monday morning was Muffins with Mom Day at Skye's school. That was a welcome distraction. I also had to work on that night, another nice distraction; but it was very hard to focus on anything. Not many people knew what was going on with me at that point so I didn't have to deal with the looks of sympathy and fear.

The next day was Tuesday February 10, 2009 - my parents 36th Anniversary. I had to work that night too but didn't care, I couldn't wait another minute and I figured that I already knew and I could handle it. I was wrong. I called my doctor's office first thing and left a message playing stupid..."I was just wondering who is going to give me the biopsy results". He called me back within the hour and told me that the biopsy results came back and I did have lymphoma. He told me that he contacted Dr. Howard and her office would be calling me to set up an appointment for the next day. He kept trying to talk to me to feel me out but I just thanked him and hung up. I called my husband and told him right away. I was in tears, but not quite crying. I believe things were still slowly sinking in. I hung up with him and then made my next call to my boss. I wasn't crying when I dialed but by the time she picked up her phone I was in hysterics. She was going to send someone over so I wouldn't be alone, but I told her that I would call someone.

Bryan called me back and told me that he was on his way home. Thank God. I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn't even care if my kids saw me. I just sat down and cried and cried and cried. They didn't notice and I was glad for that. It wasn't long before I started feeling a panic attack coming on - the shortness of breath, the hysteria. I took two Lorazepam's to calm me down and by the time Bryan got home I was back to just silent tears.

My sister and mom had emailed me asking if I heard anything, but I didn't want to tell them in email while they were at work. Once I had my appointment with Dr. Howard set, I called my mom and asked her to take off to take me. Again, she was a rock on the phone with me.

I don't remember much else about that day, just that it was a very ugly day.