Post-cancer trauma...er maybe drama is a better word?

This morning Pastor gave a sermon starting with people's love of sports and speculating why "we" are so into sports. One speculation was that we crave that taste of victory - something we don't get to taste all that often in our daily lives. He went on to speak about how we feel defeated and the things that can make us feel that way: doing the same thing day after day with nothing to show for it - comparing life to laundry or doing the dishes, he talked about how some of us may be defeated by the same sin over and over, he talked about real life, and asked "what is the point?". He went on to talk about the victory we have in Jesus, but I'm still stuck on the part about feeling defeated.

After everything I have been thru, it all became clear to me sitting in church this morning. The way I've been feeling, the way I was afraid of feeling while my cancer treatment was ending - all came to light. I am now back to the same old life I had before and I'm wondering "what is the point?" I'm back to the same depressing job, the same too small house, the same debt - no, even more debt, the same lack of communication, the same grind of life, that same pile of never ending laundry. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life - what I want to be when I grow up and I wonder day in and day out what it was all for! I have one of those sins, the one that can't be defeated no matter how hard I try and it's gotten even worse since I've gotten better. I've heard over and over and over again that everything happens for a reason. Well, for what reason did I get cancer? For what reason did I go thru all of the shit that I went thru? Why? I am no better of a person. I am no stronger.

I'll tell you what I am now. I am a paranoid freak. Every time I get a pain in my neck, it brings on a full body search for lumps and bumps. Every time my arm falls asleep I'm afraid I have a blood clot somewhere. Every time I yawn or fall asleep during day light I'm praying to God for my life. I'm also selfish - yes, I said it. I feel so selfish. I want to be selfish. I feel like I deserve a fucking break and I should get it. The problem is, being selfish is not in my nature, so I'm at odds with myself constantly. And then there is the unanswered question of my life...how long will it be? Should I continue this daily bull shit that has been driving me insane as of recent or should I go out and shake it up? If I'm stuck in this too small house, why should I pay my bills on time? Fuck my credit score! I feel like my head is all messed up and twisted around and I'm constantly in conflict with myself. Thank God for my kids or I'd probably be bungee jumping naked off a waterfall on some tropical island. I'd probably go completely insane if they didn't keep me so grounded.

Perhaps all of these crazy feelings are normal for a cancer survivor and perhaps they're not. I just wish I could find that reason that it happened to help me wrap my head around the whole experience. Perhaps just writing this will help me to sleep and I'll wake up refreshed and rejuvenated and ready for the world again.