2009: The Beginning

Well, 2008 was a horrible year filled with health problems and stress and 2009 was going to be the "Year of Me". I was going to do it, get in shape and be healthier. So I was still a little pissed off about having asthma...knowing it would be a life-long hindrance. I could work around it. I would work around it.

Little did I know what 2009 really had in store for me. On January 21, 2009 (one year and 3 days cigarette-free), my neck was hurting on the right side. I thought it was a kink from sleeping funny and I started massaging it. I could feel that it was enlarged - not a lump, but a swelling maybe. I figured it was nothing. You should know that I've had three ultrasounds on my thyroid over the past four years because the right side is bigger than the other. All of these ultrasounds were normal. I thought "it's probably just my thyroid"; but as I pressed on the swollen part, it went half-way down my collar bone. I kept telling myself that it was nothing. I was sick of going to the doctor. I was sick of those nice little post-cards with the "normal" box checked. I was not going to go in there for this. It nagged at me. I had a sinking feeling about it as the day went on. Something inside of me kept telling me to just call the doctor, so I did.

I saw him on January 22, 2009. Honestly, I couldn't get a read on him. You'd think I'd know him pretty well by now. He didn't seem too concerned about it, but could feel it. Because of the past ultrasounds being clear, and because he didn't want to put my young body thru the radiation associated with a CT scan, he ordered an MRI. I had the MRI on January 28, 2009 and left there pretty confident that I would be getting my "normal" card in the mail within a week.

I had a birthday party to plan - my twin's 4th birthday. We were having people over on the 30th for cake and ice cream. I had to clean my house and bake two cakes. I had lots to do, and on January 29 - just one day before my twins birthday - I was doing it. Cleaning, prepping snacks, decorations, cakes. I got a call from a number and name I didn't recognize and I'm telling you I was not going to stop my party-mode for a wrong number so I ignored it. About an hour later they called again; this time leaving a message. It was my doctor's nurse asking me to please call as soon as possible. I started to shake; slowly on the inside at first and then outwardly and my whole body. I had a horrible feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach but it was too close to when I had to pick my daughter up to call back yet. I picked up Skye (my five-year-old) from school.

I called back the nurse and she told me that Doctor wanted to see me that afternoon at 3:15. That's it. That's all she would say. I knew something was very wrong and by body confirmed it with all kinds of horrible feelings. I called my husband and he told me that they called him at work trying to find me. I remember wishing he hadn't told me that because it just confirms that I'm right. For once, my husband, Bryan Jankowski was positive. He told me it's probably nothing and even tho I knew better, I let him think that. I called my mom, crying at this point and she took off work early to take me to the appointment. It's a long wait between 11:30 and 3:15. I canceled the twin's 4-year check-up appointment. I tried to clean. I tried to get back into party mode. I couldn't do anything but cry and I had no idea what I was even crying about yet.

Mom and I went into the office together. I was terrified. She was a rock. Doctor told me that there was a mass in my neck wrapped around an artery. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't focus. Tears rolled down my face as he talked about Lymphoma, Hodgkin's vs. Non-Hodgkin's, my age, Dr. Howard and her personality being a good match for mine, not believing it, and being sorry. I just looked at him, crying. He asked me if I could meet with the surgeon the next day. I shook my head "no" and my mom told him that it was the twin's birthday tomorrow. I just kept thinking that I didn't want them to forever associate their birthday with my getting sick.

So to translate my blur of an appointment, they found a mass in my neck that reached down under my armpit and possibly reaching into the breast area. The radiologist and my doctor thought lymphoma so he contacted Dr. Howard knowing I would like her. She confirmed that it is most likely lymphoma, probably Hodgkin's which is better than Non-Hodgkin's. It's a very treatable cancer. I will have some baseline labs drawn and set up an appointment with a surgeon for a biopsy. If it is lymphoma, I will meet with Dr. Howard. That was the plan. I will also have a CT of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis.

My cell phone was constantly vibrating between my sister and husband calling. I didn't answer. They drew some blood. They tried about 15 times to do an EKG before getting it right. Then I talked to the surgeon and set up my consult appointment for the following Monday, February 2nd. My mom asked the doctor if he could give me something to help relax me and he prescribed .5mg of Lorazepam - not too much, but enough to take the edge off.

I finally answered my sister's call on the way home and told her what I could. Looking back, I think she took it harder than I did.

I want to say it again: My mom was a ROCK. She didn't shed one tear in front of me. It really surprised me because she is a cryer but she held her shit together until she dropped me off. She told me later that she broke down as soon as I got out of the van. I needed her to be that way and she knew it.

I went in the house, and was unable to muster the words together to talk to my husband. I told him that I'm not fine and that Doctor would be calling him to explain things better. Obviously he couldn't accept this explanation. I told him I probably have cancer and that's all I could say. Now that the appointment was over, I threw myself into the party. I refused to cancel it. I stayed up late decorating those two cakes and focusing on them really helped me make it thru that first night...well, that and the Lorazepam.