Pain

So the last few days, I'm kinda sick to death of pain and the only explanation is "sometimes chemo causes that". So what? I'm just supposed to suck it up? My pains:

1. Right side of my neck
2. Back of my neck on the right
3. Right chest
4. Right clavicle
5. Right arm
6. Right armpit
7. Right shoulder
8. Everthing between right back of neck and right shoulder
9. Right hip

ALL THE TIME.

Chest and arm pit are probably scar tissue. Right clavicle and arm are probably due to damage from my mediport placement. Lovely.

Every day I pray that I don't have a recurrance because I know I couldn't handle the chemo again.

The Light The Night walk was a great success. Personally I wished I had tried harder to get more donations, but I love being part of something so big and important. And as much as I hate hearing the stories and see the small kids with scarves on their heads I believe it's a good reminder for me. It was cool to see a little boy that was sick last year, now in his terrible twos.

And now a little update on my mental health...still feeling very selfish. I still wish I could hang out with my favorite person in the world all the time. I'm finding myself "zoning out" a lot more lately. Before the majority of my day dreams were at bedtime when I couldn't sleep or in the car when I was alone. Now, I could be anywhere. I feel like JD from scrubs - head tilted to the side, just day-dreaming up a storm.

I haven't been very emotional the last few days tho. Quite the opposite. With the exception of the Walk, I've been feeling angry and cold again. I don't know where these feelings come from or if it's some kind of defense mechanism.

I'm also noticing that I'm pretty tired lately. That scares me. It could be the change in weather, or adjusting to the back to school routine, or that I'm actually learning again and making my brain do something out of the ordinary.

Perhaps the common fool would wonder why, oh why don't I go to the doctor. I'll tell you a little secret: I DON'T TRUST DOCTORS.

Ok. So, what makes me happy these days? My kids as always, tho they also are major stress factors in my life...and not always because of something they do. There's school, bullies, homework, sicknesses, etc. School is making me happy - I feel so good when I finish an assignment or do good on a test. Other than that, I can't really say what makes me happy...no really, I can't say.

What really, really bothers me is that I'm usually really good at working out what's in my head myself. I can usually sit down and take a long hard "look in the mirror" and figure it out. It has taken me days, even months depending on what was wrong at the time, but I've always been able to get myself through things. Now, I just don't have the time to go through my head and figure out what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and what I need to get over it (or around it, or through it, etc.) All I know, is when I do actually feel something, it's absolutely NOT what I should be feeling.

And I know these last two blogs have been more like the ramblings of a crazy person, but I can't help it. This is what it's like in my brain right now. I wish I could call up the hoarders team to organize all the shit in there...that's a joke haha.

My How Time Flies...

...when you're in denial.

Well maybe not denial, exactly. For some reason, looking back on the past six months the things that stand out most to me is the downward spiral of my marriage, the birth of my niece, and the darkness looming just beneath the surface of my self.

More and more, all of the emotion I managed to avoid while being sick is creeping up on me. While I was sick I slept. I slept a lot and when I wasn't sleeping I was on the verge of sleeping. Suddenly a year later I find myself so emotional that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Built Ford tough as I was, am now constantly on the verge of tears, unable to find a moment to myself to deal with all that has happened. Wondering what it was all for. For what reason did it happen to me? It hasn't made me stronger - if anything, I'm much weaker. It didn't strengthen my marriage, my friendships, my relationships with anyone - if anything it has weakened all of those too. I find myself enjoying the company of no one. I find myself feeling so alone in the middle of a crowd of people I know and love; watching them in slow motion as they laugh and interact, knowing nothing of the pain I carry.

I think this all started to hit me when I heard about my aunt's uteran cancer returning...despite no longer having a uterus. My first instinct was to reach out to her, but I quickly realized that in doing so, I would have to face my own reality...the one I had been trying so hard to forget.

My husband and I hadn't even touched each other in months and rather than living "together" we just coexisted. My unhappiness growing. But rather than dealing with facing cancer, I faced him. After some counseling and talking, we're a work in progress but I can't say that I'm happy yet...whatever that means.

My family feels like I'm isolating them since I don't feel I can confinde in anyone about anything. It's not my intention, I just don't know how they could possibly understand and I don't know how to make them.

Sometimes I day dream about an island. Metaphor? Maybe.

And there lies my problem: Life's Too Short Syndrome. I can't help but asking myself "If Dr. Howard told me I only had three months to live, would I want to keep doing what I'm doing?" And the answer is a big, fat NO. So how do I balance that feeling with what I am doing now? And I'm so sick of always doing what I'm supposed to do. Always being the good girl; doing the right thing for everyone else. What the fuck about me?

This feeling has become even more present lately. I baked Skye's birthday cake and suddenly I feel like I'm surrounded by people telling me what kind of cake I'm going to make them for their birthdays. What the fuck about my birthday? Who's going to take my request? Who's going to make me a birthday cake?

I guess it boils down to my wanting to be selfish. For once in my life, I want it to be about MY life. Me.

Is that so wrong?

I did finally write my aunt a letter an admitted that the reason it took me so long, was because in writing to her about her cancer I had to face my own experience (and here comes that lump in my throat and the welling of the tears). I told her that I had nothing profound to say to her to make her feel better about what she was going thru. I told her that I just wanted her to know that I know and that if she ever needs me, I am here.

Ugh...hubby just busted me crying.

So now here I am, miss "Got it Together", is so falling apart. I feel like that game Break the Ice.

My marriage counselor sucks. I don't want to waste my precious minutes on this earth in counseling anyway, and I really don't care if that makes me a bad wife. Sadly, I fear it makes me a bad mother and so I keep working at it for them. Some days feel hopeful and others feel like I'm settling and every day I think of that island.

I have been finding much joy in just looking at my girls. Those moments between cooking breakfast and taking complaints when I can just watch them. And now I have a new niece that brings me joy. Island. What? Who said that?

Anyway, due to my latest emotional state, I've decided to start blogging again. I know that this blog is kinda out of order and all over the place, but I had to catch you up and well, quite frankly I'm all over the place. So now you're where I am. Are you catching on?

Until next blog...