My husband was in such a state Friday because of my scan that he came home from work. I was smiling and relaxed, making birthday cake in my clueless bubble. He was sick to his stomach.
So how could I not want to know anything? It's simple. I've been there, done that. I don't want to go through it again. I don't know if I have the strength to do it and so I'd rather live in the bliss of an oblivion. When I think about recurrence, I think "I don't know if I'd do anything about it anyway". And therefore, it is easy for me to relax, and enjoy my daughter's birthday with my family. To live in the moment.
In the back of my mind I know it could be the last family gathering, but I've lived with that knowledge for just over four years now. I know my time is limited. I no longer have that sense of being indestructible. I'm fully aware that at any given moment, I could be gone and to be perfectly honest, a huge part of me just doesn't want to know.
Now, I don't have a death wish. I don't want to leave my daughters or my life and I'm sure if it came down to it I would fight like hell. I just have had to accept and live with the knowledge of my mortality for some time. Every family gathering, every get-together with a friend; I try to savor them and hold them in my heart.
And so when it comes to this, I have to have faith that whatever the outcome, it is what is meant to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment