Well, my PET scan was completely clear. I'm not feeling as happy about it as I should be and I can't figure out why. Don't get me wrong, I'm having waves of happiness and giddiness, but they're always interrupted by some underlying thoughts or fears. I believe part of it that I have to focus now to get thru three more chemo sessions and they've been slowly getting harder and harder to deal with. I think another part of it is having to find myself again. I'm no longer going to be the cancer patient that I have been for the last four months - six months when this is over. I'm going to have to refocus all of my energy on a different aspect of getting/being healthy and I'm going to have to go back to life as it was before, go back to work, worry about sitters for the kids, ect. Will I have enough time to do all the things I want to do? And what do I want to do? Do I want to go back to school? If so, for what? But most of all, I worry that I'll always be living in fear...fear of the next scan, fear of a recurrence, fear for my life.
I hope that I can deal with these feelings and let the sun shine thru. I have beat cancer and that is a great thing. I just pray that I won't have to fight like this ever again.
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