Impending Check-Up

In just under two weeks I will have labs and a chest x-ray and a week after that I'll get the results. Nothing really blog-worthy; however I'm already feeling the panic.

You'd think I'd get used to this and that by now it would be no skin off my ass, but I'm just not there yet. I'm consumed by negative thoughts about dying and obsessed with feeling for lumps and bumps. I've already decided to demand to see the x-ray results since several doctors missed the cancer on my x-ray in 2008. I know what it looks like on the x-ray and I want to see it.

And speaking of doctors missing things, I've had to see the doctor that diagnosed me with asthma several times recently at work. He comes strolling in the unit and pretty much follows my lead. I used to say hello to him to be "professional" but now he gets the stink-eye. When I see him, I hear my oncologist in my head telling me I'd be dead in six months if they hadn't caught it. I sucked on a steroid inhaler for six months because of my "asthma" and would've kept right on doing it if it wasn't for that "kink" in my neck. When that asshole walks into the unit I just want to spit at him as he walks by me. I want to walk into whatever patient's room that he's in and tell them that he misdiagnosed me. That he looked right at my x-ray, pointed out the "thickening around the lung" and told me "it's nothing to worry about".

I still have a little bit of my cold left and unfortunately it's all in my chest and throat so my mind goes to the dark side. Neck pain? Dark side. Headache? Dark side. I can't wait to get all of this over with. If history is any indicator, my panic and worry will just get worse over the next three weeks until I get my results.