From My Journal

Below are some excerpts from my journal to show my frame of mind around this time period.

Wednesday March 11, 2009
Today is Wednesday. Friday I have chemo for the 2nd time. Perhaps this is the reason for my anger, irritability, and overall overly emotional state today. Perhaps it was that episode of Without A Trace – the one where Martin’s aunt is dying because the chemo didn’t work. It left me wondering “what if they’re wrong?” What if my cancer IS Non-Hodgkin’s and they’re using the wrong chemo? Maybe it’s Nip/Tuck and that “Christian’s” treatment didn’t work. Maybe I should stop watching TV. I could read more. Read all of those cancer books. The ones that force me to realize that yes, I do have cancer. This IS real. It isn’t going away. I have one about parenting with cancer. I don’t have the energy and patience ½ the time. Skye is always crying lately. Don’t I get to cry? Why do I always have to take care of everyone else, all the time?! I would love just one day alone. One whole day where I can wake and sleep and eat and piss as I please, watch what I want, read when I want for however long I want. One whole 24-hour period. Just one so this whole thing has time to really sink in. So I can really think about it, chew on it, and swallow it even. Because I haven’t had one minute to process since this whole thing began.

Monday March 24, 2009
I’m in kind of a dark place right now. I’m not sure why. I just left Amanda’s house and had a great time with her. On the way home I listened to Nada Surf, song 7 and it just put me in a dark place. I can’t help wondering how the chemo is doing. As sick as I am of appointments, I wish I could have a scan every week to make sure it’s not spreading and that it’s shrinking and that things are going well so I’m not constantly wondering what will happen to me. I’m getting over a cold right now. Sunday I thought I would have to go to the hospital I felt so shitty, but now I’m feeling o.k. physically. Mentally I think I’m kind of a mess that needs to be cleaned up, but who has time to think about it with three kids running around all the time. I need to be alone. I need to look this in the eyes in my own way and cry about it and get mad about it and find some good in it. I’m going to have to talk to Bryan about it. I’m not sure how he’ll respond. We don’t talk about things like we used to – not because of the cancer, this has been going on since I was pregnant with Skye. I’m sure if you ask him, he’ll be naive to it, but it’s how I feel about it. Maybe this will bring us closer or maybe it’ll tear us apart. Only time will tell. Right now I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it. I have to be the strong wife and mother at home. Everyone keeps saying how tough I am and I feel like I have to live up to that to some extent – the strong daughter, big sister, mom, wife, friend. I don’t feel very tough. I feel weak. Like a wuss. I’m not really tough, I just play tough on TV. I want to just curl up into a ball and cry and sleep. Just wake me when I have an appointment and I’ll show up. I have a hard time talking about it and letting my guard down. People ask how I’m doing and I just don’t believe they really want the answer. They want to hear “I’m hanging in there” or “I’m doing good”. I’d like to tell them that I’m afraid to look in the mirror in the morning because my hair might be gone or that I step into the shower with tears every day knowing I could be pulling out clumps of hair. People tell me positive things and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care how many people are on thyroid replacement pills, I don’t want my thyroid burned out of my neck by radiation. I’m 33. How old are they? 50? That’s 20 less years they’re on them. I feel like I’m PMSing constantly. Skye said “I wish you weren’t cantankerous today”. Nice.