Here We Go!

The day after my oncology appointment I had a follow-up appointment the my Pulmonologist for my asthma. I told him about the lesions on my lungs and he took a look at my CT. He didn't seem too concerned about them because of their size. He told me they could be scar tissue from an infection or from coughing really hard. He did tell me that because of how small they were, if they were cancer they may not light up on a PET scan. He made me feel a little better about them, but I was still pretty worried about it.

Saturday February 14, 2009 I had a PET scan at 6:30 in the morning. My drive there was the first time I had been alone since they found the mass. I quickly learned that I could not be alone without crying.

The scan was boring. They injected me with a radioactive dye and I had to sit in a dark room for awhile. Then they came and got me. I laid on the machine with my arms over my head and went back and forth for about a 1/2 hour. Since the test was at St. Luke's and I had to work, I went right to work after the test.

At this point everyone knew what was going on with me. There were the sorrowful looks, tilted heads, "I'm sorry's", and questions. Questions that I had a hard time answering. I was still a in a bit of shock over the being dead in six months fact and still overwhelmed. Everything was happening so fast it was hard to digest it all. I have always had a hard time crying in front of people and so I relied on my friend Ben who worked with me every weekend to entertain me. Unfortunately, I don't think he knew how to act around me now and he seemed to have a hard time stirring up the same ruckus we usually had going when we worked together. So I sat at my desk, alone with my thoughts and it was a slow, slow day. I had a very hard time keeping myself together. Finally the day ended.

When I got home, the girls and I made our traditional heart-shaped pizzas and heart-shaped chocolate chip big cookie for our Valentine's Day celebration. We had a nice evening.

The next day was Sunday and I had to work again. Again I sat alone with my thoughts fighting back the tears. I wished I didn't have to work. I couldn't handle this while I was there. There were too many tests and procedures to be done, too much emotion inside of me. I have to fight the fight of my life and take care of my kids and take care of myself now and have all of these appointments and treatments and I just didn't know how I could do it all.

I decided to go on leave from work. Emotionally, I couldn't handle being there and I had been taking off so much for all the appointments and tests that I was running out of PTO. I thought it would be better to go on leave and get 60% pay, than have to take off all the time and not get paid at all. I knew I needed to refocus my energy on myself and I knew it would be hard with three young children and my job, even tho it was only part-time, was just adding to the stress of it all.