Nothing major happened in the following weeks. I had chemo on Good Friday and would soon learn that I had chemo the Friday before everything (mother's day, father's day, Smackdown, and the 4th of July). Easter came and went and was absolutely exhausting.
I tried to maintain a normal life - meeting friends for breakfast, going out to dinner with my parents, but there is this terrible feeling of being "different" that goes along with cancer - at least for me. I never minded being different - I loved it, thrived on it even but not like this. This was different. Here is an excerpt from my journal regarding Easter:
Easter would be considered a “success”. I went to church, to my parents house, to my aunt’s house, and finally to my father in-law’s house. I don’t view it as a “success”. I felt like I was a ghost, watching everyone live their lives and enjoy their day – all of them unaware of me, my fatigue, my pain. I went to church looking for some inspiration and found only annoyance with all the people there and all the screaming, chattering kids…mine included. I rushed to my parents house and we were rushed in and out of there to get to my aunt’s on time because church was so long. And there it was – the bulk of the celebration and I felt alone – like a stranger among my own family. That is, until I fell asleep. And yet still to my father in-law’s house we went and I slept on the couch the whole time. The few times I did awake I found myself angry that I was still there. Does anyone care that I had chemo just two days before this?
Wednesday April 22 I had a CT scan to check the progress of the chemo. I have never been so nervous about a scan in my life...
Tommorow is my first scan since all of this began and I find myself choked up more so than not. There’s this fear in me wondering if the cancer has spread, if there could be more and what if there is more that are in parts of my body that aren’t being scanned. Why am I not getting another PET scan? I am sad because I feel like I’m going to live the rest of my life from scan to scan – always in fear of the next scan. How can I get over that? I can’t. And maybe, just maybe I’ll forget about it for a week, a month, a few months even and then biggity bam: another scan. I guess it doesn’t help that the sun hasn’t shown it’s face for 3 days now and that I’m truly sick and tired of winter cold but I feel like I can’t deal much with anything right now. The thought of a CT brings me to tears. The girls are driving me absolutely insane. All the calm that I’ve felt the past few months feels like it’s slowly slipping from me only to be replaced by insanity. I’m sick of so much I dare not even list it all.
My hair never fell out like most cancer patients. Don't get me wrong, it was constantly coming out. It reminded me of that witch from Bugs Bunny with the bobby pins, only with hair. Every time I touched it, every time I showered. At first I cut it short and dyed it purple in anticipation of being completely bald. I figured I'd have some fun with it first. When it didn't fall out and there was short purple hair all over the bathroom floor and sink I decided to shave it. I started it by myself but that was a disaster so Bryan finished it off for me. I left my bangs for a more feminine look (haha). I had always wanted my head when I was younger so I was a little excited about it.
I tried to maintain a normal life - meeting friends for breakfast, going out to dinner with my parents, but there is this terrible feeling of being "different" that goes along with cancer - at least for me. I never minded being different - I loved it, thrived on it even but not like this. This was different. Here is an excerpt from my journal regarding Easter:
Easter would be considered a “success”. I went to church, to my parents house, to my aunt’s house, and finally to my father in-law’s house. I don’t view it as a “success”. I felt like I was a ghost, watching everyone live their lives and enjoy their day – all of them unaware of me, my fatigue, my pain. I went to church looking for some inspiration and found only annoyance with all the people there and all the screaming, chattering kids…mine included. I rushed to my parents house and we were rushed in and out of there to get to my aunt’s on time because church was so long. And there it was – the bulk of the celebration and I felt alone – like a stranger among my own family. That is, until I fell asleep. And yet still to my father in-law’s house we went and I slept on the couch the whole time. The few times I did awake I found myself angry that I was still there. Does anyone care that I had chemo just two days before this?
Wednesday April 22 I had a CT scan to check the progress of the chemo. I have never been so nervous about a scan in my life...
Tommorow is my first scan since all of this began and I find myself choked up more so than not. There’s this fear in me wondering if the cancer has spread, if there could be more and what if there is more that are in parts of my body that aren’t being scanned. Why am I not getting another PET scan? I am sad because I feel like I’m going to live the rest of my life from scan to scan – always in fear of the next scan. How can I get over that? I can’t. And maybe, just maybe I’ll forget about it for a week, a month, a few months even and then biggity bam: another scan. I guess it doesn’t help that the sun hasn’t shown it’s face for 3 days now and that I’m truly sick and tired of winter cold but I feel like I can’t deal much with anything right now. The thought of a CT brings me to tears. The girls are driving me absolutely insane. All the calm that I’ve felt the past few months feels like it’s slowly slipping from me only to be replaced by insanity. I’m sick of so much I dare not even list it all.
My hair never fell out like most cancer patients. Don't get me wrong, it was constantly coming out. It reminded me of that witch from Bugs Bunny with the bobby pins, only with hair. Every time I touched it, every time I showered. At first I cut it short and dyed it purple in anticipation of being completely bald. I figured I'd have some fun with it first. When it didn't fall out and there was short purple hair all over the bathroom floor and sink I decided to shave it. I started it by myself but that was a disaster so Bryan finished it off for me. I left my bangs for a more feminine look (haha). I had always wanted my head when I was younger so I was a little excited about it.
Little did I know that every single person I passed by anywhere I went would stare at me. I thought the human race had progressed more than this, but I was wrong. I've never been one to care what other people thought, but for some reason the whispers and stares bother me now. I just want to smash people's heads together and scream "I have cancer!" But then I remind myself that I really don't care - they don't know me and if they want to be ignorant assholes, then let them. Still, some days it wears on me.
head shaved with bangs - I'm so punk rock
This next journal entry is pretty personal and I went back and forth about posting it here, but decided I would. I'm writing this blog to paint a picture and leaving this out would be like leaving a corner of the canvas blank.
Sex
It’s not like I get any. When I do feel good enough to have sex it’s during the daylight hours and by sunset I’m too exhausted to even think about it. But there was a night where I was feelin’ it and so was he. We were in the middle of it, and I was really getting into it – he was kissing my chest all over and then he kissed my port. He continued on like it was nothing, but it ruined everything. In the heat of the moment I’m only thinking of one thing – getting off and I may from time to time think about Jeff Hardy to get there…especially with the heavy load on my mind these days. Anyway, the second his lips touched that part of my body it brought back all the insecurities, emotions, and generally bad thoughts about cancer to light – as if he just shined a spot light onto my naked body. I couldn’t get off after that, I just wanted him to get off – literally – off of me.
This was one experience. We've had sex a few other times during all of this mess and it wasn't as dramatic as this but I am always aware of this port in my chest and my mind always drifts to the big "C" taking all of the enjoyment out of it.
This next journal entry is pretty personal and I went back and forth about posting it here, but decided I would. I'm writing this blog to paint a picture and leaving this out would be like leaving a corner of the canvas blank.
Sex
It’s not like I get any. When I do feel good enough to have sex it’s during the daylight hours and by sunset I’m too exhausted to even think about it. But there was a night where I was feelin’ it and so was he. We were in the middle of it, and I was really getting into it – he was kissing my chest all over and then he kissed my port. He continued on like it was nothing, but it ruined everything. In the heat of the moment I’m only thinking of one thing – getting off and I may from time to time think about Jeff Hardy to get there…especially with the heavy load on my mind these days. Anyway, the second his lips touched that part of my body it brought back all the insecurities, emotions, and generally bad thoughts about cancer to light – as if he just shined a spot light onto my naked body. I couldn’t get off after that, I just wanted him to get off – literally – off of me.
This was one experience. We've had sex a few other times during all of this mess and it wasn't as dramatic as this but I am always aware of this port in my chest and my mind always drifts to the big "C" taking all of the enjoyment out of it.
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