It's been awhile...

It's been a long while. June was my last cancer appointment, and everything was clear. It's coming up on the one year anniversary since my last treatment and I suppose that's exciting.

Not so exciting is that my emotional state, which is now forcing me to deal with all the shit I never dealt with. I have been a super-emotional mess lately, tears always on the verge just waiting for any reason to come out. Then at marraige counseling (more about that later), I said it out load..."I never really dealt with being sick, I just kinda slept thru it all." And that's the bottom line isn't it. I need to deal with what I went thru in my own way; however I can't do that because I am NEVER EVER EVER alone. So Bryan's assignment was to find me some alone time, but so far he hasn't.

We've been going to counseling, but I have to admit that I know the problem is more me than him. I know that I need to work on myself...my mental state, my physical state, my emotional state. I also know that I can't possibly do both. So what do I do? What's more important? Who's more important? My kids are the most important thing to me - this is why I'm trying so hard to be content in my marriage. But if I don't take care of myself, what good am I going to be to them? In order to take care of myself, I'll have to neglect my marriage, and it can't really afford to be neglected any more than it already has. And so I'm at a mental impass with all of these things.

So I am a complete mess.

I've been reading the book Women, Food, and God and most pages make me cry. There are some things in there that really, really hit home for me.