Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Test results and rambling.
Sometimes I wish I knew who reads this shit. When I put something in here, and then tell someone the same thing and they say "I know, I read your blog", and I feel a level of embarrassment depending who it is. But hell, I never really cared what people thought anyway. Still, there are a few things I'd like to blog about - to get them out but I just never know who's going to read it.
About a half hour before I left for the doctor today, I suddenly felt very positive and sure that everything would be fine. I tried not to let myself get too high off of the feeling because it would be quite a fall should I get bad news. As I drove, I had tears in my eyes the whole time and was overwhelmed by the surge of emotions running thru me. The thoughts going thru my head wavered back and forth between practical and ridiculous. I was feeling highly annoyed by Bryan's constant pestering about how I'm feeling - even after I told him 150 times I didn't know how I felt. Of coarse HE was going out of his mind. I wondered if it was because he loves me or because I'm a burden. Should I even be asking myself that question? Probably not out loud.
I got there, weighed in, sat down and updated the nurse on what supplements I'm taking, what pains I'm having, how my energy level is, blah, blah, blah. Can we get on with this shit? I had a list of pains - all on my right side, all stemming from my neck. Neck, shoulder, shoulder blade, arm, hip, shin. The nurse thought it could be from the chemo still. I guess having poison running thru your veins for 6 months can take it's toll on the body.
Then I waited. And I waited. I didn't even hear Dr. Howard in the office. And then, I heard the nurses saying she was down in the lab looking at some tests. I was getting agitated because my mom was on her lunch break watching the kids and it was already a 1/2 hour past my appointment time. I guess that didn't bother me as much as having to wait for this "news". I read a prayer that was on the wall over and over and over. It went like this:
About a half hour before I left for the doctor today, I suddenly felt very positive and sure that everything would be fine. I tried not to let myself get too high off of the feeling because it would be quite a fall should I get bad news. As I drove, I had tears in my eyes the whole time and was overwhelmed by the surge of emotions running thru me. The thoughts going thru my head wavered back and forth between practical and ridiculous. I was feeling highly annoyed by Bryan's constant pestering about how I'm feeling - even after I told him 150 times I didn't know how I felt. Of coarse HE was going out of his mind. I wondered if it was because he loves me or because I'm a burden. Should I even be asking myself that question? Probably not out loud.
I got there, weighed in, sat down and updated the nurse on what supplements I'm taking, what pains I'm having, how my energy level is, blah, blah, blah. Can we get on with this shit? I had a list of pains - all on my right side, all stemming from my neck. Neck, shoulder, shoulder blade, arm, hip, shin. The nurse thought it could be from the chemo still. I guess having poison running thru your veins for 6 months can take it's toll on the body.
Then I waited. And I waited. I didn't even hear Dr. Howard in the office. And then, I heard the nurses saying she was down in the lab looking at some tests. I was getting agitated because my mom was on her lunch break watching the kids and it was already a 1/2 hour past my appointment time. I guess that didn't bother me as much as having to wait for this "news". I read a prayer that was on the wall over and over and over. It went like this:
"One day at a time sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from you.
Just give me the strength to do every day what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way, one day at a time."
Finally I heard her come back into the clinic. I heard her giving some bad new to someone, although I couldn't understand much of what she said with the door closed. Then there she was standing in front of me, looking down and she said "well your CT was perfect, but you're having all this pain." She looked at me, we talked, she checked me out some more, and we talked some more. So she prescribed five days of anti-inflammatories and if the pain doesn't get better, then I'll have to have some more scans. My MUGA is the same and my labs are good. So for now the news is good. There is a huge part of me that is thrilled and wants to exhale, but there is still that part of me that doesn't trust a fucking doctor as far as I can throw one.
I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping in my bed. I spent a night on the couch, a few in Raine's bed, and last night he slept in the basement. I was so glad to have my own bed back, but it didn't last long. I went to bed around 2am and the kids woke up at 5:30. Sleep hasn't come easy this last few weeks either - with his snoring, the fear of the tests, and all of my inner turmoil. I'm hoping to sleep a little better tonight; although I'm not sure where I'll be sleeping. He made a doctor's appointment for the snoring - I'm not sure when it is. I think I'm getting spoiled, sleeping by myself tho.
All of this emotion has brought back my inner poet. I don't remember it being hard. I guess it isn't that hard; maybe I'm just rusty. I have everything I want to say down pat, but I just can't get it to flow the way I want it to. Whenever I do get it flowing well, I come to a line that just junks the whole thing. It feels good to put my wants and desires into words and see them come to life. I've also busted out the old Jim Morrison poetry. I thought I wouldn't like it anymore now that I've aged, but a lot of it I like even more than I remembered liking it to begin with.
And now I'm rambling because I'm tired. I shall turn in my keyboard for the night.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Waiting
I've been all over the place this weekend. Up on the highest high, low in the lowest low...if that makes any sense. It does to me.
Not only am I driving myself crazy with thoughts of cancer, I'm also dealing with some deeper feelings that I could blame on my having cancer - my viewing my life as much shorter than most people view their lives. I'm full of selfishness but full of guilt. Part of me is soaring with life and love and part of me feels like a caged animal ready to attack. The two personalities I joked about having for so long and coming into some sort of reality wrapped up in all these emotions I haven't had to deal with all at once. Some of these feelings I had pre-cancer, but they were more controlled. Now they're running amok inside of me causing me such turmoil.
I'm feeling poetic - inspired to write again; yet I don't want to share it with anyone. On the other hand I feel so alone because who could possibly understand what I'm feeling?
Enough emo bullshit (pulling myself together)...Friday was test day. They poked me to draw blood for a bunch of lab tests. It was one of those days where my vein actually hurt - like it was running out of blood to give. Unfortunately the Nuclear Med tech just missed me at the clinic, so he had to put an IV in when I got to him. The MUGA scan is a pretty boring procedure. He puts in an IV, draws some blood mixed with a little heparin and then I wait while he adds a radioactive tracer to it. About a 1/2 hour later, he re-injects the blood with the tracer and then I wait about 15 more minutes. Then I lay on a table while they take 3 pictures; each picture having like 80 pictures in it. This part takes about 35-45 minutes. During my waiting period, I downed two huge bottles of banana barium. I hate artificial banana. My tummy made me pay for it. When all that was done I went to CT for scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis; which made no sense to me at all. I was told I would have CTs of my whole body. I called them today and they're looking into it.
Bryan's snoring has been unbearable. It could be me and my inability to sleep while I play the waiting game, but he's louder than ever. Saturday morning I stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch after beating him with a pillow and getting no results. (I didn't really beat him, I only him him once or twice with the pillow). Saturday night he slept on the couch so I could get some sleep. Last night as I sat at the computer on the opposite end of the house, I could hear him loud and clear so I slept with Raine in her bed.
Oh and since I mentioned I was questioning the size of his heart in my last blog, my latest story is this: We were walking to the school for parent teacher conferences and he asked me if I was nervous about my scans. I told him yes and he said "Like I'm not?!" I apologized to him saying "I forgot this was all about you". He said I was twisting his words. I don't know if he just doesn't know how to be, or if it just came out wrong but to me, right now, I want more than that.
Not only am I driving myself crazy with thoughts of cancer, I'm also dealing with some deeper feelings that I could blame on my having cancer - my viewing my life as much shorter than most people view their lives. I'm full of selfishness but full of guilt. Part of me is soaring with life and love and part of me feels like a caged animal ready to attack. The two personalities I joked about having for so long and coming into some sort of reality wrapped up in all these emotions I haven't had to deal with all at once. Some of these feelings I had pre-cancer, but they were more controlled. Now they're running amok inside of me causing me such turmoil.
I'm feeling poetic - inspired to write again; yet I don't want to share it with anyone. On the other hand I feel so alone because who could possibly understand what I'm feeling?
Enough emo bullshit (pulling myself together)...Friday was test day. They poked me to draw blood for a bunch of lab tests. It was one of those days where my vein actually hurt - like it was running out of blood to give. Unfortunately the Nuclear Med tech just missed me at the clinic, so he had to put an IV in when I got to him. The MUGA scan is a pretty boring procedure. He puts in an IV, draws some blood mixed with a little heparin and then I wait while he adds a radioactive tracer to it. About a 1/2 hour later, he re-injects the blood with the tracer and then I wait about 15 more minutes. Then I lay on a table while they take 3 pictures; each picture having like 80 pictures in it. This part takes about 35-45 minutes. During my waiting period, I downed two huge bottles of banana barium. I hate artificial banana. My tummy made me pay for it. When all that was done I went to CT for scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis; which made no sense to me at all. I was told I would have CTs of my whole body. I called them today and they're looking into it.
Bryan's snoring has been unbearable. It could be me and my inability to sleep while I play the waiting game, but he's louder than ever. Saturday morning I stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch after beating him with a pillow and getting no results. (I didn't really beat him, I only him him once or twice with the pillow). Saturday night he slept on the couch so I could get some sleep. Last night as I sat at the computer on the opposite end of the house, I could hear him loud and clear so I slept with Raine in her bed.
Oh and since I mentioned I was questioning the size of his heart in my last blog, my latest story is this: We were walking to the school for parent teacher conferences and he asked me if I was nervous about my scans. I told him yes and he said "Like I'm not?!" I apologized to him saying "I forgot this was all about you". He said I was twisting his words. I don't know if he just doesn't know how to be, or if it just came out wrong but to me, right now, I want more than that.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
3-month scans are coming up fast
I regret stopping my blogging. I've been dealing with so much. There is a part of me that is pissed off that I am just back to my mediocre life. I want more, but I want it now, not later. I don't want to wait for it, work for it, etc. I feel like I don't have time for that shit. I feel like I don't know how much time I have.
My scans are Friday. I won't get the results until the next Wednesday. I am paralyzed with fear. I have people asking me to make plans. I cannot commit to anything right now - I'm frozen in this period of waiting. I cannot mentally commit to anything. 75% of my thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I can't find much joy around me. I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting.
In the last few months I have developed several pains - my left heel, my right hip, shoulder, neck, and arm. My right arm tends to fall asleep way more often than it should. Last week I went and demanded doppler to rule out a blood clot - there was none. I don't know if these pains are side effects of the chemo or a mental thing or completely unrelated. I have a list for Dr. Howard.
And speaking of the side effects of chemo, I have a mild case of "chemo brain". I've been reading up on it. The symptoms include:
-forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling-memory lapses
-trouble concentrating - they can't focus on what they're doing
-trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
-trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking without losing track of one of them-less ability to do more than one thing at one time
-taking longer to finish things-slower thinking and processing
-trouble remembering common words-can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words
I do not have all of them, and some of them are only mild. I can't imagine what some people must go thru. My daughter asked me to tell her a story that I used to tell her all the time - an easy story that I made up and I couldn't remember it. I had to really focus and mentally swim thru my mind to find it in there. It was pretty scary. And still I have limited myself to cooking only when there is another adult in the house - the symptom up there about the phone and cooking is definitely one of the stronger symptoms I have.
I've been thinking a lot about a recurrence and I don't think that I have it in me to do it again. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. The closer it gets to Friday, the harder it is to be positive. So I guess I was right about living in fear. At least in the beginning. Hopefully it will get better with time.
I think the worst part of all of this is that my husband has absolutely no idea - even when I explain it to him. If I say something about him not doing something I asked (he didn't do it 'cuz he wasn't listening), he says "like you never forget anything". Touche'. I do. Unfortunately it's all the poison that was pumped into my body that caused my memory lapses. And do you think he would get that this is a bad week for me? Do you think it would even cross his mind? Of coarse not. Not without my holding up a big neon sign in front of his stupid face. I find myself again questioning the size of his heart.
My scans are Friday. I won't get the results until the next Wednesday. I am paralyzed with fear. I have people asking me to make plans. I cannot commit to anything right now - I'm frozen in this period of waiting. I cannot mentally commit to anything. 75% of my thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I can't find much joy around me. I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting.
In the last few months I have developed several pains - my left heel, my right hip, shoulder, neck, and arm. My right arm tends to fall asleep way more often than it should. Last week I went and demanded doppler to rule out a blood clot - there was none. I don't know if these pains are side effects of the chemo or a mental thing or completely unrelated. I have a list for Dr. Howard.
And speaking of the side effects of chemo, I have a mild case of "chemo brain". I've been reading up on it. The symptoms include:
-forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling-memory lapses
-trouble concentrating - they can't focus on what they're doing
-trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
-trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking without losing track of one of them-less ability to do more than one thing at one time
-taking longer to finish things-slower thinking and processing
-trouble remembering common words-can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words
I do not have all of them, and some of them are only mild. I can't imagine what some people must go thru. My daughter asked me to tell her a story that I used to tell her all the time - an easy story that I made up and I couldn't remember it. I had to really focus and mentally swim thru my mind to find it in there. It was pretty scary. And still I have limited myself to cooking only when there is another adult in the house - the symptom up there about the phone and cooking is definitely one of the stronger symptoms I have.
I've been thinking a lot about a recurrence and I don't think that I have it in me to do it again. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. The closer it gets to Friday, the harder it is to be positive. So I guess I was right about living in fear. At least in the beginning. Hopefully it will get better with time.
I think the worst part of all of this is that my husband has absolutely no idea - even when I explain it to him. If I say something about him not doing something I asked (he didn't do it 'cuz he wasn't listening), he says "like you never forget anything". Touche'. I do. Unfortunately it's all the poison that was pumped into my body that caused my memory lapses. And do you think he would get that this is a bad week for me? Do you think it would even cross his mind? Of coarse not. Not without my holding up a big neon sign in front of his stupid face. I find myself again questioning the size of his heart.
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