Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A Tale of Chemo Brain
Sunday I took meat out of the freezer and put it on the counter to thaw out with the intention of throwing it in the crock pot on Monday morning. Today (Tuesday) as I was leaving for work, Bryan held it up to me and asked me how long it's been sitting out. Shit.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Blah, Blah, Blah
Call it a recurring thought, daydream, vision, fantasy, fancy; whatever you want, I have one. I feel like a walking episode of Scrubs - or maybe Ally McBeal would be a more accurate depiction. At any rate, I can't get it out of my head. It's like a song that I really love, but it's stuck on repeat. Sometimes, it's almost so real I can taste it...smell it...uh, feel it maybe? I'm afraid the line between my head and my reality may cross. Not that it would necessarily be a bad thing...maybe it would, I don't know. I just liked it better when the two were completely separate. It tortures me.
I want a piano. I want to learn to play. I took lessons as a kid, but hated it. I didn't like my teacher and I didn't like the pressure from my parents to practice and I most certainly hated the recitals. But now, I could play at my leisure, learn at my own pace, play what I want to play rather than Mary Had A Little Lamb. I would just need a quick refresher on note reading and I could probably take it from there. That's what I want.
And riddle me this: when I am looking for answers or signs, how do I read and interpret them? A repeating name for instance - is it a "yay" or a "nay"? How about a car or a song? A "no" or a "go"? I suppose by my being so vague, I sound like a damn riddle myself. Shit. I do know that if you look hard enough, you'll see what you want to see but I'm not looking all that hard and they keep slapping me upside the head. It's become quite an annoyance.
Christmas is a few days away, and then the new year. I can't wait to be rid of 2009, it's no secret. And although I feel that 2010 couldn't be much worse, I'm afraid to say it out loud. I don't want to challenge the new year or tempt fate. I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping there are lots of changes this year - especially in the fall when all the kids will be in school full-time. I have lots to think about.
And finally, I've come to think of my chemo brain as a black tornado-like vortex where information and memories are sucked away forever. Some things I can imagine myself swimming down into the vortex and pulling the information back out and other things I have to get the fuck out of there before it swallows me up too. I guess that sounds worse than it is, but it is the picture in my head of where my memories are. Thank God for timers - it's dinner time.
I want a piano. I want to learn to play. I took lessons as a kid, but hated it. I didn't like my teacher and I didn't like the pressure from my parents to practice and I most certainly hated the recitals. But now, I could play at my leisure, learn at my own pace, play what I want to play rather than Mary Had A Little Lamb. I would just need a quick refresher on note reading and I could probably take it from there. That's what I want.
And riddle me this: when I am looking for answers or signs, how do I read and interpret them? A repeating name for instance - is it a "yay" or a "nay"? How about a car or a song? A "no" or a "go"? I suppose by my being so vague, I sound like a damn riddle myself. Shit. I do know that if you look hard enough, you'll see what you want to see but I'm not looking all that hard and they keep slapping me upside the head. It's become quite an annoyance.
Christmas is a few days away, and then the new year. I can't wait to be rid of 2009, it's no secret. And although I feel that 2010 couldn't be much worse, I'm afraid to say it out loud. I don't want to challenge the new year or tempt fate. I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping there are lots of changes this year - especially in the fall when all the kids will be in school full-time. I have lots to think about.
And finally, I've come to think of my chemo brain as a black tornado-like vortex where information and memories are sucked away forever. Some things I can imagine myself swimming down into the vortex and pulling the information back out and other things I have to get the fuck out of there before it swallows me up too. I guess that sounds worse than it is, but it is the picture in my head of where my memories are. Thank God for timers - it's dinner time.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Christmas Lights and Memories
This year, I'm finding Christmas lights to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen - as if I've never seen them before. They make me cry. Christmas music irritates the shit out of me, unless it's Christian christmas songs - then they make me cry. Christmas displays and aisles at the store irritate the shit out of me, but I'm finding Christmas shopping very relaxing; which is completely out of character for me.
It seems like a lifetime between my life pre-cancer and my life now...literally. I don't know if the gaps in my memory are getting worse, or if I'm just noticing them more because of how emotional and sentimental I've been. When I look back on even the most recent of pre-cancer memories, they seem so far away and I really have to focus to find them. I find myself wondering if you can forget feelings, or forget how you came to feel the way you do about something or someone. Some of my feelings seem to have changed for no apparent reaason. It's frustrating and I feel shitty and guilty about it, but I can't help it. There are some pre-cancer memories that are very clear and seem very "present"; as if they happened post-cancer. It's almost confusing and I need to remind myself how long ago that was. Sometimes I feel like I'm all kinds of fucked up in the head and sometimes I feel completely normal with just a few quirks. The truth is probably somewhere in between the two.
Tomorrow is our annual 4-generation cookie bake. As always I'm looking forward to it. Baking with the ladies I love the most: mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, and daughters. This year my cousin's fiance' will be joining us with her daughter. I like that it's just the girls and no boys are allowed. I wish more things were like that in life. Still, there are times like that - moments when everyone is happy in their way that I look around and feel so different from anyone else. I know that they couldn't possibly ever understand me, the way I am now. Hopefully with time, those thoughts won't cross my mind as often.
It seems like a lifetime between my life pre-cancer and my life now...literally. I don't know if the gaps in my memory are getting worse, or if I'm just noticing them more because of how emotional and sentimental I've been. When I look back on even the most recent of pre-cancer memories, they seem so far away and I really have to focus to find them. I find myself wondering if you can forget feelings, or forget how you came to feel the way you do about something or someone. Some of my feelings seem to have changed for no apparent reaason. It's frustrating and I feel shitty and guilty about it, but I can't help it. There are some pre-cancer memories that are very clear and seem very "present"; as if they happened post-cancer. It's almost confusing and I need to remind myself how long ago that was. Sometimes I feel like I'm all kinds of fucked up in the head and sometimes I feel completely normal with just a few quirks. The truth is probably somewhere in between the two.
Tomorrow is our annual 4-generation cookie bake. As always I'm looking forward to it. Baking with the ladies I love the most: mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, and daughters. This year my cousin's fiance' will be joining us with her daughter. I like that it's just the girls and no boys are allowed. I wish more things were like that in life. Still, there are times like that - moments when everyone is happy in their way that I look around and feel so different from anyone else. I know that they couldn't possibly ever understand me, the way I am now. Hopefully with time, those thoughts won't cross my mind as often.
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