5-Year Dream

January 29th was a day of reflection and disappointment for me.  As I often do, I replayed that day in my head.  The worrying about my twin's birthday the next day and not wanting them to find out until well afterwards.  The thoughts of my girls growing up without me.  The words "cancer" echoing in my mind and the blur that ensued after those words.  The humiliation, the tears, the strength of my mother - all of it came crashing over me.

What didn't happen...what was supposed to happen...what I wanted to happen was for everything to somehow fade into the background of my life.  I thought that after five long years of living in constant fear and submission to this disease, that I would somehow wake up, as if from a bad dream and move on.  I thought that I'd feel different.  Better.  I thought I'd feel celebratory and excited for the next chapter but no page was turned.

I feel the same as I did five years ago.  The scanxiety, the frustration, the lack of understanding from my friends and family as to why I don't just get over it; why I don't think positively about my future.  I've realized that cancer is ingrained into my being.  Just as my eyes are brown and my eyebrows are thick, I am cancer.