Oncologoy Appointment

Nothing could have prepared me for this appointment. You would think that the worst day of my life would've been the day they told me about the mass, or the day I was told my biopsy results showed lymphoma. Those days were nothing compared to this day. This day that brought the biggest slap in the face a person could receive.

Remember I told you that my neck was hurting, as if I slept on it funny and that I massaged it, thus feeling the swelling? Remember how I wasn't going to call the doctor, but that something inside of me nagged me to?

After the nurse took my initial information, Dr. Howard came and sat down with my mom and I. She went over the biopsy results. I had Large Cell, T-Cell, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She told me it was a rare type so they sent my pathology to the Mayo Clinic. She talked about it being a very treatable cancer. She talked about the areas that the cancer was in and mentioned that my CT showed three small lesions on my lungs that we're going to have to keep an eye on when I have the PET scan. As I was starting to feel overwhelmed and things started getting fuzzy, she said these words to me: "Without treatment you would be gone in six months".

Nothing can prepare a person to hear those words. It didn't matter that I was in the doctor's office talking about treatment. It didn't matter that I would be starting treatment very soon. Those words echoed into the very core of my being. I couldn't help thinking "What if I hadn't massaged my neck that day?" "What if I didn't call the doctor?" I would be dead by August 2009. I wouldn't see my daughter's sixth birthday or the twins go to K4. I couldn't stop thinking about all of these things - these "what if's". I'm so glad my mom was there to pick up the slack of my temporary vacation from the appointment at hand.

So the plan was to get a PET scan to tell me what stage I was, get a Mediport put into my chest, have a bone marrow biopsy, and then meet back with Dr. Howard in a week and a half to go over the results of everything.

Before I could go, they drew so much blood that my vein dried up on them.

When we left, I felt worse about the cancer than ever but my mom was very positive. We met my sister for lunch and I had a beer. Then we went to the surgeon's office so he could check my wound. He walked in the room, and said "you have lymphoma". Nice bedside manner. I told him that I already talked with my doctor about it, he felt my armpit - ouch, and that was it for that.

I joked with my mom and sister about it having to rain on the worst day of my life. I was clear now that this was going to take over my life for about six months and it really was the worst day of my life by far.