What Cancer Cannot Do? Oh Yes It Can!

A friend posted this poem on his Facebook the other day and while I didn't want to shatter the rose colored glasses of many of his cancer-surviving and fighting followers, I DO have much to say about this poem.

It cannot cripple love.  Really?  Because ever since my "journey" with cancer, there is definitely some love in my life that's been "crippled".

It cannot shatter hope.  Really?  The definition of hope is, the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.  I'm pretty sure I don't have any of this left.

It cannot corrode faith.  Really?  Let me see...faith, by definition is confidence or trust in a person or thing.  Mine?  Definitely corroded.

It cannot eat away peace.  Really?  I haven't had peace since my doctor's secretary beckoned me into his office January 29, 2009.  Not even for one day.

It cannot destroy confidence.  Really?  Tell that to my stomach every time I walk into the oncology clinic.  Tell that to me every time I feel the slightest pain, strain, lump, or bump.  Better yet, tell that to my children who question my mortality.

It cannot kill friendship.  Really?  I would laugh at this statement if it didn't make me cry.  I can name just a few people who I feel abandoned me during the worst time of my life.  I can also name just a few people who I let slip away because my "cancer talk" was annoying to them, or they thought it was high time I "let it go".

It cannot shut out memories.  Really?  This is one is just a joke to me.  Thank you chemo for destroying my short-term memory as well as wiping out a good 10 years of my life and leaving it in a thick haze.

It cannot silence courage.  Really?  Did the person who wrote this ever even have cancer?  I mean people give us way to much credit.  I am not courageous or inspirational or strong.  I am none of those things.  I suffered in the worst pain of my life, in silence because I had to.  I didn't choose to.  There was no choice. 

It cannot reduce eternal life.  No, it cannot reduce eternal life.  But it can, and does reduce mortal life.  

It cannot quench the Spirit.  Right again.  It cannot quench the Spirit.  In fact, since cancer plagued my life I have been thirstier than ever; searching endlessly for some spiritual uplifting.  It cannot quench the Spirit, it can only damage it.

Well, my last cancer check came and went. I finally didn't feel the heavy weight of impending doom like normal. It made me wonder if I'm getting numb to it, like so many other things in my life. I have been upgraded to straight x-rays now, which is bittersweet. I hate that I have to be radiated so much, yet I prefer the accuarcy of the CT scan over the xray. Especially after having so many overlook the cancer in the first place on an xray. I'm pretty sure; however that nothing doctors do or don't do can surprise me now. In other news, there's more evidence that cancer survivors suffer from PTSD. Reading through the symptoms I'm pretty sure I have it...thus the previously mentioned numbness I spoke of. However, my lack of trust of doctors and my unwillingness to spend any amount of time searching for a competant counselor that I trust leaves me to deal with certain things on my own. So for now, I'll suffer through the numbness and surround myself with people and things that draw out extreme emotions and in between days, I feel, things will get back to normal. Sometimes I can feel my hard shell cracking. It just may take more time than someone who goes through extensive counseling.