The Hardest Thing

As I was lying in bed with the window open, trying to find some relief from the surges of pain shooting through my body, I couldn't stop my mind from wandering to what I heard outside...my kids playing. How I love to listen to them carry on conversations with each other and teach each other.

I laid there half listening, half thinking about all the things I should be doing instead of lying in bed, in pain, exhausted. I should be filling their sandbox, taking them to the park, for a walk around the block, taking their pictures, teaching them songs, working on their activity books, and so much more.

The hardest thing for me during all of this has been that I am unable to be the mom that I want to be, and here is was being shoved in my face as I lay there waiting for my meds to kick in. These pains and fatigue are too much for even me to fight off and so I was stuck there feeling a bit sorry for myself and bit lucky to at least be able to hear them chattering and playing.

The Fourth of July is fast approaching and I made sure that I would be able to enjoy this one celebration. Every other celebration has fallen within a few days of chemo - Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day and the Fourth was to be no different. I asked Dr. Howard if I could post-pone my July 3rd chemo until July 6th and told her about my family coming from up North. She was happy to oblige and I am so grateful that I will have those few days to celebrate and spend with my family. What a celebration it will be! So I'm trying to direct my focus on that and on the fact that I only have to go through this three more times - only three and as I think about that, little "hallelujahs" pop into my head.