I've spent these weeks in my little denial bubble (as a good friend told me, "sometimes you just have to go there") and I was pretty happy there. I can say very honestly, that I really did not want to know the results, much to the chagrin of my family.
I know I drove my husband crazy with my going about like the cloud of impending doom was not hovering above my head, smiling and singing and baking. As long as I did not have bad news, I was absolutely happy.
Yesterday though, I thought "enough is enough". I think my husband lost at least 5lbs this week. I called the clinic and talked to Dee (name changed for privacy purposes). I love this woman. I honestly think she makes the cancer experience better for the patients in that clinic. She told me doctor wouldn't be in until Thursday to which I replied, "are you serious?" Because it was late in the day, she told me she'd have a nurse call doctor in the morning (today) and let her know I'm waiting.
So shortly after 9:30 my cell phone started playing the theme from Law and Order: SVU and I recognized the number immediately. It was Jay (again with the clever name changes), my 2nd favorite nurse in the clinic. My whole body tingled and froze as she started talking to me. I felt paralyzed...my happy denial bubble was gone and I felt naked sitting there at my desk. I immediately regretted answering my phone while I was at work.
She began telling me they saw NED. Oh how I love that mother trucker! No Evidence of Disease! None! Clear! I yelled "all clear!" in the office and got all kinds of yays and then I started crying. Apparently that bubble was keeping all of the emotion away from me and it all came swirling around me after I got the news.
This experience has brought out the best and the worst in me and I cannot wait to go down to the Light the Night walk tomorrow night, put on my "Survivor" t-shirt, and walk with my favorite people, celebrating this victory.
Now, who wants to have a drink with me?!
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