My 4th and Today

The 4th of July started off with a fever that went away with Tylenol. I got up and took my time doing all the things I needed to do. During the night I noticed that very little activity caused me to be winded and it was no different during the day. I was devastated that I had to miss the parade, but got the girls ready in American Flag dresses, red and blue hair pieces, and blue hair spray. They looked fabulous. Everyone left and I was alone.

I packed a bag for the day, made taco dip, did a load of laundry, took a much needed and well-deserved shower, and got myself ready. I took a ton of breaks because I kept getting that winded feeling. I'm pretty sure it's my heart rate increasing too much as it did when I was in the hospital and I also think it's due to one of the medications.

Once the parade was over, my sister and her husband picked me up and we headed over to my aunt and uncle's. I heard that my girls were the hit of the parade and that the Cudahy Now was there taking their picture and getting their names. She told my husband they'd be in the paper on Thursday but online before. Then Bryan told me that 3/4 of the way thru the parade Raine started crying because she missed me. That was heartbreaking.

I spent most of the day sitting around talking with my family. Luckily the kids were entertained the majority of the time by the other kids and games. I couldn't believe they ran around constantly from around 2pm to 11pm, only stopping for a sip here and there and for dinner. If only they could bottle up that energy and sell it.

We went to see the fireworks and then had our own display in the back yard. We said our good-byes and left for home. I wished I had more time with them, that they lived closer or we lived closer or something.

I got only a few hours of sleep before my neighbors decided it was party time and I had to move to the couch in order to get any kind of sleep.

Today I'm still feeling pretty bad. My fever is gone, but my right arm hurts and I am still getting winded with any little movement like going to the bathroom, or getting a drink of water. My hands and feet also feel tight as if I'm holding water and I'm not going to the bathroom much. Tomorrow I will go in and have a bunch of labs drawn and my vital signs taken to see if they're going to give me chemo or if I have to wait. I'm hoping they wait because I don't feel ready for a treatment yet, but on the other hand I just want to get these over with.

I have never been afraid to go to sleep before. Since I got home from the hospital, I've been terrified that something is going to happen in my sleep. With every little pain or episode, I fear the worst. This is no way to live. I feel cooped up in my house, yet I'm afraid to go anywhere. I'm so afraid of something happening, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. I missed my girls so much while I was gone, but I need them to leave me alone right now. I just want to lay down and relax until the doctor tomorrow. I want to wake up feeling 100% instead of 65%. I keep wondering why I keep hitting all of these little road bumps. I keep wondering how I am going to make it thru three more treatments.