I feel....

I can't decide how I feel. I'm super tired and having waves of nausea and little flecks of pain here and there. I can't tell if my symptoms aren't as severe because I had such a long break or because the Adriamycin went in over 72hours or because we dropped the Bleomycin. I just keep waiting for more extreme symptoms like before. On that note, I also don't want to ignore the bad feelings I do have. I want this to be over so bad that sometimes I think I do too much just so I can feel normal. "Normal", like I'll ever feel that again.

Every little symptom and every little pain this time around I find myself worried about infection in my new picc line, take my temperature, and if it's normal I take a nausea pill or a pain pill or nothing depending on the symptom at the time.

Yesterday I remembered Dr. Howard telling me to meet with Dr. Ziaja (Radiation Oncologist) again to make sure she doesn't want to do radiation. I don't know why I have to meet with her - why can't Dr. Howard just call her? Why can't I just call her? At this point I can honestly say that there is no way that I could handle going thru radiation. I've been thru so much; too much already. To even think that I would have to go thru that too makes me...I can't even explain how it makes me feel. Sick to my stomach. Like crying. Frustrated. Angry. Irate. Fuck, fuck, fuck I can't even think of it. So Monday I will call and leave a message for her and see if I can just talk to her on the phone about it, and hope for the best. I know they can't radiate my lung, but the original plan was to radiate everywhere (prior to knowledge of said lung) and that would be 5 days a week for 4-6 weeks. But when I told Dr. Howard I wasn't comfortable with it, she did say that I could have more chemo instead and the cure rate is just a tad lower - like 5% lower. And I ended up having to have the extra 4 (extra 8 since 2 treatments is one cycle), so by count, that's it.

It's so hard to think about because I want to be "cured". I want this to be gone without recurrence so I want to listen to and trust that the doctor's know the best way to get me there. But I'm here to say that my body and my mind just cannot handle much more. I just want my life back now.

Disclaimer: in my saying I've been thru too much I do know and understand that many people deal with worse on a daily basis and I'd like to give them all of my praise. "Too much" is my too much, and no one else's.