Waiting By The Phone

Monday I was supposed to call Dr. Howard and let her know how my fevers were doing - they were down finally. In fact, I've been feeling pretty good other than a little chest discomfort when I take deep breaths, and a slight cough. I called the office and talked to the secretary. She talked to one of the nurses and then told me someone would call me back. Well, they never called me back and I passed out; waking up too late to call them again.

I called them back on Tuesday and both the secretary and the nurse were shocked that Dr. Howard didn't call me back. Apparently, she told the nurses that she needed to talk to me, and they pulled my chart and gave it to her. The nurse did tell me that there was a change on my MUGA scan (heart scan) and that they may drop one of the meds in my chemo, but Dr. would have to talk to me about it. Of coarse she was out of the office, and I would have to wait until Wednesday to talk to her. At this point I'm really irritated because I have no idea what is next, when I can have chemo again, what my MUGA results mean, etc.

And today, I've waited by the phone all morning (other than taking my daughter to her class), and when they finally called, I calmed the twins down and answered. Dr. Howard wants me to come into the office today - she thinks it would be easier to answer questions in person rather than over the phone...

Of coarse I'm about to have a nervous fucking breakdown. The last time I was called into a doctor's office in this fashion was to be told there's a mass in my neck that is probably cancer. Is my heart function that bad? My lung function? My labs? Are the spots on my chest that they thought could be small pneumonia really the lymphoma coming back? Or does she really prefer talking in person to talking on the phone? I'm trying to stay calm for my kids. I still have to pick up Skye from class. I don't see the doctor until 3:00. I have that lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and I'm not sure how to go about keeping myself from a meltdown.