New Worries

The other night, around 8pm my cell phone rang. It was a familiar number, but I couldn't place it so I answered it. It was my OB. He told me not to panic, that he just wanted to call me because there was a "question" on my pap test and that because of all the chemo I was on this year he wants to take a look at my cervix thru a microscope.

Half of me doesn't think it's a big deal. I just had a PET scan two weeks before that and it didn't show anything...or did it? I mean, they did miss my big green lung when they looked at my very first PET scan, why not miss a little ol' cervix? This leads me to the other half of me who is worried and pissed off and sick of this shit. I just started relaxing and not being such a paranoid android. I just started feeling more positive about my prospects on living for awhile. And of coarse, there's the matter of this happening pretty much around the same time as I found the mass in my neck next last year.

So I looked up my test results online. They said that I tested positive for high risk of HPV, but that no actual HPV was detected. This "question" could just be due to chemo causing cells to be abnormal or it could be more. At this point I'm trying to not even think about it. I mean, why bother? I'm going on February 1st to be violated some more.

After having two pregnancies, three kids, and cancer I think that pretty much everyone has seen my ass. I do believe that if someone offered to pay me to run around naked I would. Why not?

Epic Fail

Today was the K4 open house; the last day of the "Dinosaur Days" in the classroom. We got a note home on Monday about it. The twins came home yesterday with stickers advertising the event. I wrote it in my planner. It was very important to them and I told them we'd stop in after we picked up Skye from school today.

We went to pick up Skye, and she ended up going to her friend's house after school. Bryan picked her up at 5:00 and when they came home, she told me she wanted to go to the open house...

As if I hadn't known about it in the first place, I completely forgot about it.

I scrambled thru their dirty laundry basket, loathing myself for being so defective and found the sticker. So very lucky for me, it went until 6pm but that didn't make me feel any better.

We all walked up to the school together, me in tears the whole time at the knowledge that something so important to them could just slip into the black hole in my mind. I've always thought that being a mom was something I was really good at, but not today. Of course I was glad that no one noticed I'd been completely blank about it, not so much that no one noticed my tears.

Menstrual Ranting

Right now, I'm irate. I'm hormonal. I'm dealing. I'm sick of dealing. I'm expected to just go back to normal. I'm expected to be quiet, nice Sarah. I'm not that person anymore, at least I don't feel like I am. I don't feel very nice and I really don't feel very quiet. I'm trying to plan the twins birthday party and already there's a problem just with the date. I should have it this day instead or in the afternoon so so-and-so can come. So here it is, the honest to God truth. I don't give a shit who comes to the fucking party.

I remember last year on the day before their birthday I was called into the doctor's office to be told I probably have cancer. Did I whine about the birthday party? Did I cancel it? No, I stayed up pretty late, decorating cakes and cleaning. I put all of my all into the damn thing, as mother's do. I pretended there was nothing wrong so that my girls wouldn't associate their birthday to my getting sick, but I associate it that way. So forgive me for being overly emotional and extra crabby. Forgive me that for once you have to listen to me rant and rave rather than the other way around.

I am so sick and tired of everything. Tired of listening all the time and never talking. Tired of talking and never being listened to. Tired of my job. Tired of my house. Tired of my shoes. Tired of my hair. Tired of bending over backwards to please everyone and never feeling pleased. Tired of standing in a room full of people and feeling alone. I feel bitter and spiteful and full of anger and I just want to tell the whole world to fuck off right now.

And this is how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different, and by Monday I will probably have been able to push this all back down to wherever it came from. Back to the darker side of me.

Snow Globes and Scars

I just drove home from work in a snow "storm" and it was so beautiful. I felt like I was inside of a snow globe. I actually had some pretty intense feelings about it. Just like with the Christmas lights, I felt as if I was watching the snow fall for the very first time. It made me sad that I hadn't appreciated it this much before and happy I was alive to experience it. As with most of my mood swings, the sad easily dominates the rest of my feelings and I find my self scanning my foggy mind for something better to focus on. I found myself wishing I had a bottle of wine and someone to walk with in this beauty.

I've been feeling agitated more and more lately as events are coming up on me fast and I'm having a hard time putting my attention on them. There's a bridal shower, the twins birthday, a bachelorette party, and a wedding (all of which I'm looking forward to). I can't remember what I'm supposed to do, if I did it, etc. I'm always distracted by something...look it's a unicorn!

And speaking of the wedding, I went to try on my dress and got a little choked up seeing a big ugly mediport scar sticking out. It may as well have been blinking "look at me". I hate it. It makes me want to wear a t-shirt under my dress. I'm thinking "Tits Houdini" is gone forever. As if I don't have enough body issues without adding all my cancer scars to the mix. I've pretty much overcome the one on my neck since it's tiny and scarves are in style right now. The armpit isn't that big of a deal since I don't usually walk around waving my arm in the air. But the chest - all mixed in with my pride and joy tattoo...having a hard time embracing that part of me.

A Tale of Chemo Brain

Sunday I took meat out of the freezer and put it on the counter to thaw out with the intention of throwing it in the crock pot on Monday morning. Today (Tuesday) as I was leaving for work, Bryan held it up to me and asked me how long it's been sitting out. Shit.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Call it a recurring thought, daydream, vision, fantasy, fancy; whatever you want, I have one. I feel like a walking episode of Scrubs - or maybe Ally McBeal would be a more accurate depiction. At any rate, I can't get it out of my head. It's like a song that I really love, but it's stuck on repeat. Sometimes, it's almost so real I can taste it...smell it...uh, feel it maybe? I'm afraid the line between my head and my reality may cross. Not that it would necessarily be a bad thing...maybe it would, I don't know. I just liked it better when the two were completely separate. It tortures me.

I want a piano. I want to learn to play. I took lessons as a kid, but hated it. I didn't like my teacher and I didn't like the pressure from my parents to practice and I most certainly hated the recitals. But now, I could play at my leisure, learn at my own pace, play what I want to play rather than Mary Had A Little Lamb. I would just need a quick refresher on note reading and I could probably take it from there. That's what I want.

And riddle me this: when I am looking for answers or signs, how do I read and interpret them? A repeating name for instance - is it a "yay" or a "nay"? How about a car or a song? A "no" or a "go"? I suppose by my being so vague, I sound like a damn riddle myself. Shit. I do know that if you look hard enough, you'll see what you want to see but I'm not looking all that hard and they keep slapping me upside the head. It's become quite an annoyance.

Christmas is a few days away, and then the new year. I can't wait to be rid of 2009, it's no secret. And although I feel that 2010 couldn't be much worse, I'm afraid to say it out loud. I don't want to challenge the new year or tempt fate. I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping there are lots of changes this year - especially in the fall when all the kids will be in school full-time. I have lots to think about.

And finally, I've come to think of my chemo brain as a black tornado-like vortex where information and memories are sucked away forever. Some things I can imagine myself swimming down into the vortex and pulling the information back out and other things I have to get the fuck out of there before it swallows me up too. I guess that sounds worse than it is, but it is the picture in my head of where my memories are. Thank God for timers - it's dinner time.

Christmas Lights and Memories

This year, I'm finding Christmas lights to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen - as if I've never seen them before. They make me cry. Christmas music irritates the shit out of me, unless it's Christian christmas songs - then they make me cry. Christmas displays and aisles at the store irritate the shit out of me, but I'm finding Christmas shopping very relaxing; which is completely out of character for me.

It seems like a lifetime between my life pre-cancer and my life now...literally. I don't know if the gaps in my memory are getting worse, or if I'm just noticing them more because of how emotional and sentimental I've been. When I look back on even the most recent of pre-cancer memories, they seem so far away and I really have to focus to find them. I find myself wondering if you can forget feelings, or forget how you came to feel the way you do about something or someone. Some of my feelings seem to have changed for no apparent reaason. It's frustrating and I feel shitty and guilty about it, but I can't help it. There are some pre-cancer memories that are very clear and seem very "present"; as if they happened post-cancer. It's almost confusing and I need to remind myself how long ago that was. Sometimes I feel like I'm all kinds of fucked up in the head and sometimes I feel completely normal with just a few quirks. The truth is probably somewhere in between the two.

Tomorrow is our annual 4-generation cookie bake. As always I'm looking forward to it. Baking with the ladies I love the most: mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, and daughters. This year my cousin's fiance' will be joining us with her daughter. I like that it's just the girls and no boys are allowed. I wish more things were like that in life. Still, there are times like that - moments when everyone is happy in their way that I look around and feel so different from anyone else. I know that they couldn't possibly ever understand me, the way I am now. Hopefully with time, those thoughts won't cross my mind as often.