Blah, Blah, Blah

Call it a recurring thought, daydream, vision, fantasy, fancy; whatever you want, I have one. I feel like a walking episode of Scrubs - or maybe Ally McBeal would be a more accurate depiction. At any rate, I can't get it out of my head. It's like a song that I really love, but it's stuck on repeat. Sometimes, it's almost so real I can taste it...smell it...uh, feel it maybe? I'm afraid the line between my head and my reality may cross. Not that it would necessarily be a bad thing...maybe it would, I don't know. I just liked it better when the two were completely separate. It tortures me.

I want a piano. I want to learn to play. I took lessons as a kid, but hated it. I didn't like my teacher and I didn't like the pressure from my parents to practice and I most certainly hated the recitals. But now, I could play at my leisure, learn at my own pace, play what I want to play rather than Mary Had A Little Lamb. I would just need a quick refresher on note reading and I could probably take it from there. That's what I want.

And riddle me this: when I am looking for answers or signs, how do I read and interpret them? A repeating name for instance - is it a "yay" or a "nay"? How about a car or a song? A "no" or a "go"? I suppose by my being so vague, I sound like a damn riddle myself. Shit. I do know that if you look hard enough, you'll see what you want to see but I'm not looking all that hard and they keep slapping me upside the head. It's become quite an annoyance.

Christmas is a few days away, and then the new year. I can't wait to be rid of 2009, it's no secret. And although I feel that 2010 couldn't be much worse, I'm afraid to say it out loud. I don't want to challenge the new year or tempt fate. I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping there are lots of changes this year - especially in the fall when all the kids will be in school full-time. I have lots to think about.

And finally, I've come to think of my chemo brain as a black tornado-like vortex where information and memories are sucked away forever. Some things I can imagine myself swimming down into the vortex and pulling the information back out and other things I have to get the fuck out of there before it swallows me up too. I guess that sounds worse than it is, but it is the picture in my head of where my memories are. Thank God for timers - it's dinner time.