Christmas Lights and Memories

This year, I'm finding Christmas lights to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen - as if I've never seen them before. They make me cry. Christmas music irritates the shit out of me, unless it's Christian christmas songs - then they make me cry. Christmas displays and aisles at the store irritate the shit out of me, but I'm finding Christmas shopping very relaxing; which is completely out of character for me.

It seems like a lifetime between my life pre-cancer and my life now...literally. I don't know if the gaps in my memory are getting worse, or if I'm just noticing them more because of how emotional and sentimental I've been. When I look back on even the most recent of pre-cancer memories, they seem so far away and I really have to focus to find them. I find myself wondering if you can forget feelings, or forget how you came to feel the way you do about something or someone. Some of my feelings seem to have changed for no apparent reaason. It's frustrating and I feel shitty and guilty about it, but I can't help it. There are some pre-cancer memories that are very clear and seem very "present"; as if they happened post-cancer. It's almost confusing and I need to remind myself how long ago that was. Sometimes I feel like I'm all kinds of fucked up in the head and sometimes I feel completely normal with just a few quirks. The truth is probably somewhere in between the two.

Tomorrow is our annual 4-generation cookie bake. As always I'm looking forward to it. Baking with the ladies I love the most: mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, and daughters. This year my cousin's fiance' will be joining us with her daughter. I like that it's just the girls and no boys are allowed. I wish more things were like that in life. Still, there are times like that - moments when everyone is happy in their way that I look around and feel so different from anyone else. I know that they couldn't possibly ever understand me, the way I am now. Hopefully with time, those thoughts won't cross my mind as often.