Results pt. 1

Only 2.5 hours until my appointment in which they will suck my veins dry for lab tests and then make me wait a significant amount of time to see Dr. H. I'm not looking forward to it at all. As a matter of fact, it's putting a damper on my day. I have shopping to do, hair to dye, and eyebrows to get done. My appointment is at 11:00 and I probably won't get out of there until like 1:00 or so. I think I'm deflecting tho.

I'm pretty much prepared to hear whatever they have to say. I feel pretty calm and I think that the CT is probably pretty clear. I'm still worried that it's not or that something will be missed because of the horrible neck pain I've had for the last few weeks and how tired I've been the last month or so. But hopefully today will reboost my confidence for the next six months. I actually fear the day they tell me that I don't have to get checked for a whole year. I think I should be checked every three months until I'm no longer paralyzed with paranoia and then every six months for 2 years after that...just to make sure my mind has gotten over it all.

I am not looking forward to being in that clinic. Whenever I walk into that hospital I start getting nauseous, but when I walk in that clinic and sit in that waiting room with everyone welcoming me, I really feel sick. My stomach actually burns like it did during chemo. I know it's just a mental thing, but it's hard to talk myself down from that. Once I leave the hospital unscathed, my body goes back to normal. Maybe not this time. Maybe this time, I'll try a new attitude and see if I can distract my body from reaction.

I'll update later.