Feeling Fine

Friday I was going out of my mind crazy waiting for 1:15 when the VNA nurse would arrive to disconnect my last IV bag and pull my PICC line. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas. I kept pacing back and forth and checking the clocks. Finally I laid down on my bed and read until about 1:05. Then I kept looking out the door. She was late. She didn't come until 1:20. It seemed like it took her a lifetime to get settled and set up but she finally disconnected everything and then pulled the line. It was weird. My husband watched and I watched him. I could feel it running thru the vein in my arm, but thankfully I didn't feel it in my chest at all. I had the heeby jeebys big time!

After she left I took an amazing shower - probably the best shower I've ever had and by the time I was dressed my mom and dad had arrived. It was time to go camping! All weekend I kept getting choked up, teared up, just thinking that I'm done with this shit. I was so happy and they were tears of joy but I tried not to think on it too long because there is still so much fear in me. Right now I am cancer free and done with treatment and just that thought overwhelms me with joy to the point of crying. But thinking about my experience at all brings out all of my fears, fears for the future, paranoia with every little twinge of pain. I wish I understood more about my cancer - where it started in my body. Did it start around my lung or did it start at a different point. Did I have "lung cancer" or was it lymphoma around my lung? Does anyone even know the answer to these questions?

I'm really looking forward to what I hope will be my last appointment with Dr. Howard for awhile. I see her Friday (after taking my three girls to the dentist). I have some questions for her and I will feel better once we have a plan for my follow-ups and talk to her about this whole lung thing. I already know I was an "odd case" but I'd really like her take on it.

I've been thanking God every time my eyes fill with tears, and that has been a lot since Friday. I feel so blessed to have the people that I have in my life and just happy - like a great weight has been lifted.

I haven't had a cigarette in a year and seven months and I will still swear that quitting smoking ruined my life.