Cold

When I think about my husband, I feel cold.

When I think about the lump on the back of my neck I just found, I feel cold.

When I think about the CT scan I have next week, I feel cold.

When I think about my life - pissed off!

My neck has been hurting pretty bad for the last two weeks. I keep thinking it'll go away when I stop sleeping on the damn couch - and some days it does hurt worse than other days. I check it daily for lumps, bumps, and bulges and have found nothing, until last night. On the back of my neck there was a tender lump. I'm confulded as to what I should do about it. I don't have that shitty sinking feeling like I did when I first found the huge buldge in my neck in '09. I feel nothing about it but annoyed that I have to think about this so close to Christmas.

Next week is my CT scan. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me doesn't want to go. I know that I could never go through chemo again and come out it without being a seriously damaged person. The last bout made me a little crazy, a little extreme on the emo scale, and a lot forgetful. I just don't think I would have it in my to do it again. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also don't trust that a CT of my chest would catch everything. I feel like they should be checking all the areas that were affected - like my N-E-C-K.

As for life, well it just pisses me off that I have to deal with any of the above. Not that I expect some fairy tale ending, but you know I think that I'm a pretty good person and I see all of these shitty, judgemental people sitting up on their high horses with everything they ever wanted around them. All I want is to be healthy and happy and I'm really starting to see that they go hand in hand...