3-month scans are coming up fast

I regret stopping my blogging. I've been dealing with so much. There is a part of me that is pissed off that I am just back to my mediocre life. I want more, but I want it now, not later. I don't want to wait for it, work for it, etc. I feel like I don't have time for that shit. I feel like I don't know how much time I have.

My scans are Friday. I won't get the results until the next Wednesday. I am paralyzed with fear. I have people asking me to make plans. I cannot commit to anything right now - I'm frozen in this period of waiting. I cannot mentally commit to anything. 75% of my thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I can't find much joy around me. I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting.

In the last few months I have developed several pains - my left heel, my right hip, shoulder, neck, and arm. My right arm tends to fall asleep way more often than it should. Last week I went and demanded doppler to rule out a blood clot - there was none. I don't know if these pains are side effects of the chemo or a mental thing or completely unrelated. I have a list for Dr. Howard.

And speaking of the side effects of chemo, I have a mild case of "chemo brain". I've been reading up on it. The symptoms include:

-forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling-memory lapses
-trouble concentrating - they can't focus on what they're doing
-trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
-trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking without losing track of one of them-less ability to do more than one thing at one time
-taking longer to finish things-slower thinking and processing
-trouble remembering common words-can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words

I do not have all of them, and some of them are only mild. I can't imagine what some people must go thru. My daughter asked me to tell her a story that I used to tell her all the time - an easy story that I made up and I couldn't remember it. I had to really focus and mentally swim thru my mind to find it in there. It was pretty scary. And still I have limited myself to cooking only when there is another adult in the house - the symptom up there about the phone and cooking is definitely one of the stronger symptoms I have.

I've been thinking a lot about a recurrence and I don't think that I have it in me to do it again. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. The closer it gets to Friday, the harder it is to be positive. So I guess I was right about living in fear. At least in the beginning. Hopefully it will get better with time.

I think the worst part of all of this is that my husband has absolutely no idea - even when I explain it to him. If I say something about him not doing something I asked (he didn't do it 'cuz he wasn't listening), he says "like you never forget anything". Touche'. I do. Unfortunately it's all the poison that was pumped into my body that caused my memory lapses. And do you think he would get that this is a bad week for me? Do you think it would even cross his mind? Of coarse not. Not without my holding up a big neon sign in front of his stupid face. I find myself again questioning the size of his heart.