Waiting

I've been all over the place this weekend. Up on the highest high, low in the lowest low...if that makes any sense. It does to me.

Not only am I driving myself crazy with thoughts of cancer, I'm also dealing with some deeper feelings that I could blame on my having cancer - my viewing my life as much shorter than most people view their lives. I'm full of selfishness but full of guilt. Part of me is soaring with life and love and part of me feels like a caged animal ready to attack. The two personalities I joked about having for so long and coming into some sort of reality wrapped up in all these emotions I haven't had to deal with all at once. Some of these feelings I had pre-cancer, but they were more controlled. Now they're running amok inside of me causing me such turmoil.

I'm feeling poetic - inspired to write again; yet I don't want to share it with anyone. On the other hand I feel so alone because who could possibly understand what I'm feeling?

Enough emo bullshit (pulling myself together)...Friday was test day. They poked me to draw blood for a bunch of lab tests. It was one of those days where my vein actually hurt - like it was running out of blood to give. Unfortunately the Nuclear Med tech just missed me at the clinic, so he had to put an IV in when I got to him. The MUGA scan is a pretty boring procedure. He puts in an IV, draws some blood mixed with a little heparin and then I wait while he adds a radioactive tracer to it. About a 1/2 hour later, he re-injects the blood with the tracer and then I wait about 15 more minutes. Then I lay on a table while they take 3 pictures; each picture having like 80 pictures in it. This part takes about 35-45 minutes. During my waiting period, I downed two huge bottles of banana barium. I hate artificial banana. My tummy made me pay for it. When all that was done I went to CT for scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis; which made no sense to me at all. I was told I would have CTs of my whole body. I called them today and they're looking into it.

Bryan's snoring has been unbearable. It could be me and my inability to sleep while I play the waiting game, but he's louder than ever. Saturday morning I stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch after beating him with a pillow and getting no results. (I didn't really beat him, I only him him once or twice with the pillow). Saturday night he slept on the couch so I could get some sleep. Last night as I sat at the computer on the opposite end of the house, I could hear him loud and clear so I slept with Raine in her bed.

Oh and since I mentioned I was questioning the size of his heart in my last blog, my latest story is this: We were walking to the school for parent teacher conferences and he asked me if I was nervous about my scans. I told him yes and he said "Like I'm not?!" I apologized to him saying "I forgot this was all about you". He said I was twisting his words. I don't know if he just doesn't know how to be, or if it just came out wrong but to me, right now, I want more than that.