Will I? Ever get over it I mean. How long before the paranoia and fear goes away? Or even decreases? How long before I get a small pain and think "ouch" rather than wondering if this is the symptom that is going to lead some doctor to my ultimate diagnosis of death? How long until I can look at my children and not wonder how much longer I have with them? So that's what I've been pondering these days...how long.
Last week there were three nights in a row where I woke up sweating. Night sweats they call them. A symptom of Lymphoma. Also a symptom of PMS. Also a symptom of a lot of things. So after day one, I tell myself it was a fluke but in the back of my mind, I wonder. Day two comes and goes and I tell myself that ol' Aunt Flo is just coming for a visit and not to worry about it but in the back of my mind I feel the fear building. Day three comes and with it, Aunt Flo. I thank God all day and night and pray (maybe beg would be a better word) that the night sweats stop now and that I can actually remember next month that this happens to I don't turn into a emo mess again.
In other news, I'm not quite sure what has sparked my remembering my dreams, but every night (that I pass stage 1 of sleep), I dream and pretty vividly. I've never experienced this type of dreaming before - where I actually feel that I'm in control. I'm not in control of the plot of it, but once I'm in whatever situation, I'm in control of my next move and I can easily read the situations. There's also been some consistency with who appears in my dreams. I honestly can't remember the last time I remember my dreams before this series started. I like it. I like it a lot.
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