Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Test results and rambling.
Sometimes I wish I knew who reads this shit. When I put something in here, and then tell someone the same thing and they say "I know, I read your blog", and I feel a level of embarrassment depending who it is. But hell, I never really cared what people thought anyway. Still, there are a few things I'd like to blog about - to get them out but I just never know who's going to read it.
About a half hour before I left for the doctor today, I suddenly felt very positive and sure that everything would be fine. I tried not to let myself get too high off of the feeling because it would be quite a fall should I get bad news. As I drove, I had tears in my eyes the whole time and was overwhelmed by the surge of emotions running thru me. The thoughts going thru my head wavered back and forth between practical and ridiculous. I was feeling highly annoyed by Bryan's constant pestering about how I'm feeling - even after I told him 150 times I didn't know how I felt. Of coarse HE was going out of his mind. I wondered if it was because he loves me or because I'm a burden. Should I even be asking myself that question? Probably not out loud.
I got there, weighed in, sat down and updated the nurse on what supplements I'm taking, what pains I'm having, how my energy level is, blah, blah, blah. Can we get on with this shit? I had a list of pains - all on my right side, all stemming from my neck. Neck, shoulder, shoulder blade, arm, hip, shin. The nurse thought it could be from the chemo still. I guess having poison running thru your veins for 6 months can take it's toll on the body.
Then I waited. And I waited. I didn't even hear Dr. Howard in the office. And then, I heard the nurses saying she was down in the lab looking at some tests. I was getting agitated because my mom was on her lunch break watching the kids and it was already a 1/2 hour past my appointment time. I guess that didn't bother me as much as having to wait for this "news". I read a prayer that was on the wall over and over and over. It went like this:
About a half hour before I left for the doctor today, I suddenly felt very positive and sure that everything would be fine. I tried not to let myself get too high off of the feeling because it would be quite a fall should I get bad news. As I drove, I had tears in my eyes the whole time and was overwhelmed by the surge of emotions running thru me. The thoughts going thru my head wavered back and forth between practical and ridiculous. I was feeling highly annoyed by Bryan's constant pestering about how I'm feeling - even after I told him 150 times I didn't know how I felt. Of coarse HE was going out of his mind. I wondered if it was because he loves me or because I'm a burden. Should I even be asking myself that question? Probably not out loud.
I got there, weighed in, sat down and updated the nurse on what supplements I'm taking, what pains I'm having, how my energy level is, blah, blah, blah. Can we get on with this shit? I had a list of pains - all on my right side, all stemming from my neck. Neck, shoulder, shoulder blade, arm, hip, shin. The nurse thought it could be from the chemo still. I guess having poison running thru your veins for 6 months can take it's toll on the body.
Then I waited. And I waited. I didn't even hear Dr. Howard in the office. And then, I heard the nurses saying she was down in the lab looking at some tests. I was getting agitated because my mom was on her lunch break watching the kids and it was already a 1/2 hour past my appointment time. I guess that didn't bother me as much as having to wait for this "news". I read a prayer that was on the wall over and over and over. It went like this:
"One day at a time sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from you.
Just give me the strength to do every day what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way, one day at a time."
Finally I heard her come back into the clinic. I heard her giving some bad new to someone, although I couldn't understand much of what she said with the door closed. Then there she was standing in front of me, looking down and she said "well your CT was perfect, but you're having all this pain." She looked at me, we talked, she checked me out some more, and we talked some more. So she prescribed five days of anti-inflammatories and if the pain doesn't get better, then I'll have to have some more scans. My MUGA is the same and my labs are good. So for now the news is good. There is a huge part of me that is thrilled and wants to exhale, but there is still that part of me that doesn't trust a fucking doctor as far as I can throw one.
I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping in my bed. I spent a night on the couch, a few in Raine's bed, and last night he slept in the basement. I was so glad to have my own bed back, but it didn't last long. I went to bed around 2am and the kids woke up at 5:30. Sleep hasn't come easy this last few weeks either - with his snoring, the fear of the tests, and all of my inner turmoil. I'm hoping to sleep a little better tonight; although I'm not sure where I'll be sleeping. He made a doctor's appointment for the snoring - I'm not sure when it is. I think I'm getting spoiled, sleeping by myself tho.
All of this emotion has brought back my inner poet. I don't remember it being hard. I guess it isn't that hard; maybe I'm just rusty. I have everything I want to say down pat, but I just can't get it to flow the way I want it to. Whenever I do get it flowing well, I come to a line that just junks the whole thing. It feels good to put my wants and desires into words and see them come to life. I've also busted out the old Jim Morrison poetry. I thought I wouldn't like it anymore now that I've aged, but a lot of it I like even more than I remembered liking it to begin with.
And now I'm rambling because I'm tired. I shall turn in my keyboard for the night.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Waiting
I've been all over the place this weekend. Up on the highest high, low in the lowest low...if that makes any sense. It does to me.
Not only am I driving myself crazy with thoughts of cancer, I'm also dealing with some deeper feelings that I could blame on my having cancer - my viewing my life as much shorter than most people view their lives. I'm full of selfishness but full of guilt. Part of me is soaring with life and love and part of me feels like a caged animal ready to attack. The two personalities I joked about having for so long and coming into some sort of reality wrapped up in all these emotions I haven't had to deal with all at once. Some of these feelings I had pre-cancer, but they were more controlled. Now they're running amok inside of me causing me such turmoil.
I'm feeling poetic - inspired to write again; yet I don't want to share it with anyone. On the other hand I feel so alone because who could possibly understand what I'm feeling?
Enough emo bullshit (pulling myself together)...Friday was test day. They poked me to draw blood for a bunch of lab tests. It was one of those days where my vein actually hurt - like it was running out of blood to give. Unfortunately the Nuclear Med tech just missed me at the clinic, so he had to put an IV in when I got to him. The MUGA scan is a pretty boring procedure. He puts in an IV, draws some blood mixed with a little heparin and then I wait while he adds a radioactive tracer to it. About a 1/2 hour later, he re-injects the blood with the tracer and then I wait about 15 more minutes. Then I lay on a table while they take 3 pictures; each picture having like 80 pictures in it. This part takes about 35-45 minutes. During my waiting period, I downed two huge bottles of banana barium. I hate artificial banana. My tummy made me pay for it. When all that was done I went to CT for scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis; which made no sense to me at all. I was told I would have CTs of my whole body. I called them today and they're looking into it.
Bryan's snoring has been unbearable. It could be me and my inability to sleep while I play the waiting game, but he's louder than ever. Saturday morning I stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch after beating him with a pillow and getting no results. (I didn't really beat him, I only him him once or twice with the pillow). Saturday night he slept on the couch so I could get some sleep. Last night as I sat at the computer on the opposite end of the house, I could hear him loud and clear so I slept with Raine in her bed.
Oh and since I mentioned I was questioning the size of his heart in my last blog, my latest story is this: We were walking to the school for parent teacher conferences and he asked me if I was nervous about my scans. I told him yes and he said "Like I'm not?!" I apologized to him saying "I forgot this was all about you". He said I was twisting his words. I don't know if he just doesn't know how to be, or if it just came out wrong but to me, right now, I want more than that.
Not only am I driving myself crazy with thoughts of cancer, I'm also dealing with some deeper feelings that I could blame on my having cancer - my viewing my life as much shorter than most people view their lives. I'm full of selfishness but full of guilt. Part of me is soaring with life and love and part of me feels like a caged animal ready to attack. The two personalities I joked about having for so long and coming into some sort of reality wrapped up in all these emotions I haven't had to deal with all at once. Some of these feelings I had pre-cancer, but they were more controlled. Now they're running amok inside of me causing me such turmoil.
I'm feeling poetic - inspired to write again; yet I don't want to share it with anyone. On the other hand I feel so alone because who could possibly understand what I'm feeling?
Enough emo bullshit (pulling myself together)...Friday was test day. They poked me to draw blood for a bunch of lab tests. It was one of those days where my vein actually hurt - like it was running out of blood to give. Unfortunately the Nuclear Med tech just missed me at the clinic, so he had to put an IV in when I got to him. The MUGA scan is a pretty boring procedure. He puts in an IV, draws some blood mixed with a little heparin and then I wait while he adds a radioactive tracer to it. About a 1/2 hour later, he re-injects the blood with the tracer and then I wait about 15 more minutes. Then I lay on a table while they take 3 pictures; each picture having like 80 pictures in it. This part takes about 35-45 minutes. During my waiting period, I downed two huge bottles of banana barium. I hate artificial banana. My tummy made me pay for it. When all that was done I went to CT for scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis; which made no sense to me at all. I was told I would have CTs of my whole body. I called them today and they're looking into it.
Bryan's snoring has been unbearable. It could be me and my inability to sleep while I play the waiting game, but he's louder than ever. Saturday morning I stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch after beating him with a pillow and getting no results. (I didn't really beat him, I only him him once or twice with the pillow). Saturday night he slept on the couch so I could get some sleep. Last night as I sat at the computer on the opposite end of the house, I could hear him loud and clear so I slept with Raine in her bed.
Oh and since I mentioned I was questioning the size of his heart in my last blog, my latest story is this: We were walking to the school for parent teacher conferences and he asked me if I was nervous about my scans. I told him yes and he said "Like I'm not?!" I apologized to him saying "I forgot this was all about you". He said I was twisting his words. I don't know if he just doesn't know how to be, or if it just came out wrong but to me, right now, I want more than that.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
3-month scans are coming up fast
I regret stopping my blogging. I've been dealing with so much. There is a part of me that is pissed off that I am just back to my mediocre life. I want more, but I want it now, not later. I don't want to wait for it, work for it, etc. I feel like I don't have time for that shit. I feel like I don't know how much time I have.
My scans are Friday. I won't get the results until the next Wednesday. I am paralyzed with fear. I have people asking me to make plans. I cannot commit to anything right now - I'm frozen in this period of waiting. I cannot mentally commit to anything. 75% of my thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I can't find much joy around me. I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting.
In the last few months I have developed several pains - my left heel, my right hip, shoulder, neck, and arm. My right arm tends to fall asleep way more often than it should. Last week I went and demanded doppler to rule out a blood clot - there was none. I don't know if these pains are side effects of the chemo or a mental thing or completely unrelated. I have a list for Dr. Howard.
And speaking of the side effects of chemo, I have a mild case of "chemo brain". I've been reading up on it. The symptoms include:
-forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling-memory lapses
-trouble concentrating - they can't focus on what they're doing
-trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
-trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking without losing track of one of them-less ability to do more than one thing at one time
-taking longer to finish things-slower thinking and processing
-trouble remembering common words-can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words
I do not have all of them, and some of them are only mild. I can't imagine what some people must go thru. My daughter asked me to tell her a story that I used to tell her all the time - an easy story that I made up and I couldn't remember it. I had to really focus and mentally swim thru my mind to find it in there. It was pretty scary. And still I have limited myself to cooking only when there is another adult in the house - the symptom up there about the phone and cooking is definitely one of the stronger symptoms I have.
I've been thinking a lot about a recurrence and I don't think that I have it in me to do it again. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. The closer it gets to Friday, the harder it is to be positive. So I guess I was right about living in fear. At least in the beginning. Hopefully it will get better with time.
I think the worst part of all of this is that my husband has absolutely no idea - even when I explain it to him. If I say something about him not doing something I asked (he didn't do it 'cuz he wasn't listening), he says "like you never forget anything". Touche'. I do. Unfortunately it's all the poison that was pumped into my body that caused my memory lapses. And do you think he would get that this is a bad week for me? Do you think it would even cross his mind? Of coarse not. Not without my holding up a big neon sign in front of his stupid face. I find myself again questioning the size of his heart.
My scans are Friday. I won't get the results until the next Wednesday. I am paralyzed with fear. I have people asking me to make plans. I cannot commit to anything right now - I'm frozen in this period of waiting. I cannot mentally commit to anything. 75% of my thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I can't find much joy around me. I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting.
In the last few months I have developed several pains - my left heel, my right hip, shoulder, neck, and arm. My right arm tends to fall asleep way more often than it should. Last week I went and demanded doppler to rule out a blood clot - there was none. I don't know if these pains are side effects of the chemo or a mental thing or completely unrelated. I have a list for Dr. Howard.
And speaking of the side effects of chemo, I have a mild case of "chemo brain". I've been reading up on it. The symptoms include:
-forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling-memory lapses
-trouble concentrating - they can't focus on what they're doing
-trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
-trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking without losing track of one of them-less ability to do more than one thing at one time
-taking longer to finish things-slower thinking and processing
-trouble remembering common words-can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words
I do not have all of them, and some of them are only mild. I can't imagine what some people must go thru. My daughter asked me to tell her a story that I used to tell her all the time - an easy story that I made up and I couldn't remember it. I had to really focus and mentally swim thru my mind to find it in there. It was pretty scary. And still I have limited myself to cooking only when there is another adult in the house - the symptom up there about the phone and cooking is definitely one of the stronger symptoms I have.
I've been thinking a lot about a recurrence and I don't think that I have it in me to do it again. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. The closer it gets to Friday, the harder it is to be positive. So I guess I was right about living in fear. At least in the beginning. Hopefully it will get better with time.
I think the worst part of all of this is that my husband has absolutely no idea - even when I explain it to him. If I say something about him not doing something I asked (he didn't do it 'cuz he wasn't listening), he says "like you never forget anything". Touche'. I do. Unfortunately it's all the poison that was pumped into my body that caused my memory lapses. And do you think he would get that this is a bad week for me? Do you think it would even cross his mind? Of coarse not. Not without my holding up a big neon sign in front of his stupid face. I find myself again questioning the size of his heart.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Post-cancer trauma...er maybe drama is a better word?
This morning Pastor gave a sermon starting with people's love of sports and speculating why "we" are so into sports. One speculation was that we crave that taste of victory - something we don't get to taste all that often in our daily lives. He went on to speak about how we feel defeated and the things that can make us feel that way: doing the same thing day after day with nothing to show for it - comparing life to laundry or doing the dishes, he talked about how some of us may be defeated by the same sin over and over, he talked about real life, and asked "what is the point?". He went on to talk about the victory we have in Jesus, but I'm still stuck on the part about feeling defeated.
After everything I have been thru, it all became clear to me sitting in church this morning. The way I've been feeling, the way I was afraid of feeling while my cancer treatment was ending - all came to light. I am now back to the same old life I had before and I'm wondering "what is the point?" I'm back to the same depressing job, the same too small house, the same debt - no, even more debt, the same lack of communication, the same grind of life, that same pile of never ending laundry. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life - what I want to be when I grow up and I wonder day in and day out what it was all for! I have one of those sins, the one that can't be defeated no matter how hard I try and it's gotten even worse since I've gotten better. I've heard over and over and over again that everything happens for a reason. Well, for what reason did I get cancer? For what reason did I go thru all of the shit that I went thru? Why? I am no better of a person. I am no stronger.
I'll tell you what I am now. I am a paranoid freak. Every time I get a pain in my neck, it brings on a full body search for lumps and bumps. Every time my arm falls asleep I'm afraid I have a blood clot somewhere. Every time I yawn or fall asleep during day light I'm praying to God for my life. I'm also selfish - yes, I said it. I feel so selfish. I want to be selfish. I feel like I deserve a fucking break and I should get it. The problem is, being selfish is not in my nature, so I'm at odds with myself constantly. And then there is the unanswered question of my life...how long will it be? Should I continue this daily bull shit that has been driving me insane as of recent or should I go out and shake it up? If I'm stuck in this too small house, why should I pay my bills on time? Fuck my credit score! I feel like my head is all messed up and twisted around and I'm constantly in conflict with myself. Thank God for my kids or I'd probably be bungee jumping naked off a waterfall on some tropical island. I'd probably go completely insane if they didn't keep me so grounded.
Perhaps all of these crazy feelings are normal for a cancer survivor and perhaps they're not. I just wish I could find that reason that it happened to help me wrap my head around the whole experience. Perhaps just writing this will help me to sleep and I'll wake up refreshed and rejuvenated and ready for the world again.
After everything I have been thru, it all became clear to me sitting in church this morning. The way I've been feeling, the way I was afraid of feeling while my cancer treatment was ending - all came to light. I am now back to the same old life I had before and I'm wondering "what is the point?" I'm back to the same depressing job, the same too small house, the same debt - no, even more debt, the same lack of communication, the same grind of life, that same pile of never ending laundry. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life - what I want to be when I grow up and I wonder day in and day out what it was all for! I have one of those sins, the one that can't be defeated no matter how hard I try and it's gotten even worse since I've gotten better. I've heard over and over and over again that everything happens for a reason. Well, for what reason did I get cancer? For what reason did I go thru all of the shit that I went thru? Why? I am no better of a person. I am no stronger.
I'll tell you what I am now. I am a paranoid freak. Every time I get a pain in my neck, it brings on a full body search for lumps and bumps. Every time my arm falls asleep I'm afraid I have a blood clot somewhere. Every time I yawn or fall asleep during day light I'm praying to God for my life. I'm also selfish - yes, I said it. I feel so selfish. I want to be selfish. I feel like I deserve a fucking break and I should get it. The problem is, being selfish is not in my nature, so I'm at odds with myself constantly. And then there is the unanswered question of my life...how long will it be? Should I continue this daily bull shit that has been driving me insane as of recent or should I go out and shake it up? If I'm stuck in this too small house, why should I pay my bills on time? Fuck my credit score! I feel like my head is all messed up and twisted around and I'm constantly in conflict with myself. Thank God for my kids or I'd probably be bungee jumping naked off a waterfall on some tropical island. I'd probably go completely insane if they didn't keep me so grounded.
Perhaps all of these crazy feelings are normal for a cancer survivor and perhaps they're not. I just wish I could find that reason that it happened to help me wrap my head around the whole experience. Perhaps just writing this will help me to sleep and I'll wake up refreshed and rejuvenated and ready for the world again.
Friday, August 28, 2009
It's Finally Over!
I saw Dr. Howard today and will not have to follow-up for three whole months! What a relief! I'm very emotional - crying at every little thing - tears of joy and tears of sorrow and tears for fears. It has been a long, horrible road and I am so glad it's "over".
But it really isn't over, is it? I want to prevent a recurrence and definitely want to prevent a new cancer. In order to do this, there are six rules I must follow for the rest of my life - until I'm 65 at which point I'm going to start smoking and doing whatever the hell I want. I'm typing the rules exactly as Dr. Howard wrote them. They are not her rules, but rules set in place after numerous studies have shown that they help prevent recurrence.
1. No Smoking (I haven't had a cigarette in 1 year and 7 months, but I still miss it)
2. Alcohol - in moderation or not at all (I only drink on occasion, but when I do - oh boy)
3. Exercise - aerobic minimum of 3 hours a week, preferably 5 or 6 (This is something I planned on working on anyway now that the kids will all be in school, but will take me awhile to get up to this amount of time)
4. Low Fat diet:
- less than 20% calories from fat
- good fat
- limit red meat; beef, pork, lamb, venison, and bison (this is going to be hard - I love red meat, hate fish, and am not a huge fan of chicken)
5. Maintain body weight BMI of 24 or less (this is going to take some time and hard work that I had planned on doing anyway)
6. Maintain adequate vitamin D levels (should be o.k. after my 50,000 units per week x 8 weeks and now 2000 units a day)
So those are my new life rules. They are all part of a plan I've been trying to implement for the last two years only to be foiled by illness. It's going to be a tough battle and it's going to take time to find what works for me and make adjustments. Dr. Howard told me to do it in baby steps which is exactly how I had planned on it anyway. Hopefully by my 3 month follow-up, I'll be in a good flow with everything.
Part of me feels it is unfair that I have to be different from most people my age. Most people my age do not have to pay so much damn attention to every single little thing they do. Most people my age workout but aren't having to follow a number of hours. Most people my age are eating healthy but not having to measure and worry about having a steak. Most people my age can go out drinking and have a good time and not have it in the back of their minds that they have to limit themselves. I will forever have to be different and not in the way I like - I will always be looking over my shoulder (in a sense), watching and waiting.
So I suppose I won't be blogging here much anymore, but I fear I will miss blogging so I may just start an "A Lighter Side of Me" blog to track my progress with my journey to a healthier me, or maybe just a general blog to rant and rave. Who knows?
But it really isn't over, is it? I want to prevent a recurrence and definitely want to prevent a new cancer. In order to do this, there are six rules I must follow for the rest of my life - until I'm 65 at which point I'm going to start smoking and doing whatever the hell I want. I'm typing the rules exactly as Dr. Howard wrote them. They are not her rules, but rules set in place after numerous studies have shown that they help prevent recurrence.
1. No Smoking (I haven't had a cigarette in 1 year and 7 months, but I still miss it)
2. Alcohol - in moderation or not at all (I only drink on occasion, but when I do - oh boy)
3. Exercise - aerobic minimum of 3 hours a week, preferably 5 or 6 (This is something I planned on working on anyway now that the kids will all be in school, but will take me awhile to get up to this amount of time)
4. Low Fat diet:
- less than 20% calories from fat
- good fat
- limit red meat; beef, pork, lamb, venison, and bison (this is going to be hard - I love red meat, hate fish, and am not a huge fan of chicken)
5. Maintain body weight BMI of 24 or less (this is going to take some time and hard work that I had planned on doing anyway)
6. Maintain adequate vitamin D levels (should be o.k. after my 50,000 units per week x 8 weeks and now 2000 units a day)
So those are my new life rules. They are all part of a plan I've been trying to implement for the last two years only to be foiled by illness. It's going to be a tough battle and it's going to take time to find what works for me and make adjustments. Dr. Howard told me to do it in baby steps which is exactly how I had planned on it anyway. Hopefully by my 3 month follow-up, I'll be in a good flow with everything.
Part of me feels it is unfair that I have to be different from most people my age. Most people my age do not have to pay so much damn attention to every single little thing they do. Most people my age workout but aren't having to follow a number of hours. Most people my age are eating healthy but not having to measure and worry about having a steak. Most people my age can go out drinking and have a good time and not have it in the back of their minds that they have to limit themselves. I will forever have to be different and not in the way I like - I will always be looking over my shoulder (in a sense), watching and waiting.
So I suppose I won't be blogging here much anymore, but I fear I will miss blogging so I may just start an "A Lighter Side of Me" blog to track my progress with my journey to a healthier me, or maybe just a general blog to rant and rave. Who knows?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Feeling Fine
Friday I was going out of my mind crazy waiting for 1:15 when the VNA nurse would arrive to disconnect my last IV bag and pull my PICC line. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas. I kept pacing back and forth and checking the clocks. Finally I laid down on my bed and read until about 1:05. Then I kept looking out the door. She was late. She didn't come until 1:20. It seemed like it took her a lifetime to get settled and set up but she finally disconnected everything and then pulled the line. It was weird. My husband watched and I watched him. I could feel it running thru the vein in my arm, but thankfully I didn't feel it in my chest at all. I had the heeby jeebys big time!
After she left I took an amazing shower - probably the best shower I've ever had and by the time I was dressed my mom and dad had arrived. It was time to go camping! All weekend I kept getting choked up, teared up, just thinking that I'm done with this shit. I was so happy and they were tears of joy but I tried not to think on it too long because there is still so much fear in me. Right now I am cancer free and done with treatment and just that thought overwhelms me with joy to the point of crying. But thinking about my experience at all brings out all of my fears, fears for the future, paranoia with every little twinge of pain. I wish I understood more about my cancer - where it started in my body. Did it start around my lung or did it start at a different point. Did I have "lung cancer" or was it lymphoma around my lung? Does anyone even know the answer to these questions?
I'm really looking forward to what I hope will be my last appointment with Dr. Howard for awhile. I see her Friday (after taking my three girls to the dentist). I have some questions for her and I will feel better once we have a plan for my follow-ups and talk to her about this whole lung thing. I already know I was an "odd case" but I'd really like her take on it.
I've been thanking God every time my eyes fill with tears, and that has been a lot since Friday. I feel so blessed to have the people that I have in my life and just happy - like a great weight has been lifted.
I haven't had a cigarette in a year and seven months and I will still swear that quitting smoking ruined my life.
After she left I took an amazing shower - probably the best shower I've ever had and by the time I was dressed my mom and dad had arrived. It was time to go camping! All weekend I kept getting choked up, teared up, just thinking that I'm done with this shit. I was so happy and they were tears of joy but I tried not to think on it too long because there is still so much fear in me. Right now I am cancer free and done with treatment and just that thought overwhelms me with joy to the point of crying. But thinking about my experience at all brings out all of my fears, fears for the future, paranoia with every little twinge of pain. I wish I understood more about my cancer - where it started in my body. Did it start around my lung or did it start at a different point. Did I have "lung cancer" or was it lymphoma around my lung? Does anyone even know the answer to these questions?
I'm really looking forward to what I hope will be my last appointment with Dr. Howard for awhile. I see her Friday (after taking my three girls to the dentist). I have some questions for her and I will feel better once we have a plan for my follow-ups and talk to her about this whole lung thing. I already know I was an "odd case" but I'd really like her take on it.
I've been thanking God every time my eyes fill with tears, and that has been a lot since Friday. I feel so blessed to have the people that I have in my life and just happy - like a great weight has been lifted.
I haven't had a cigarette in a year and seven months and I will still swear that quitting smoking ruined my life.
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