PTSD

I still cannot believe the power of the mind when it comes to traumatic events. The drive to my oncologist's office this morning was the equivilent to walking in quick sand. This normally only four minute drive felt like an hour drive in complete silence with only the voice in my head to reckon with. In fact, I could hear it as if it was narrating my life, "as she drove down that familiar road, she had no idea how her life was about to change". I know, it sounds crazy.

Sitting in that office waiting made me physically sick. It wasn't a long wait, but the waiting was driving me crazy. I got more and more nauseuas every second. I closed my eyes and felt like the room as getting smaller around me. And even after I got the good news that my labs and x-ray were normal, I had to wait in a line of cancer patients to make my next follow-up appointment. That itself had me on the verge of a panic attack. I started sweating and feeling like I couldn't get a full breath of air. I just needed to get outside. I sat down and did some deep breathing with my eyes closed but it didn't help.

Finally, I left and the minute I stepped outside everything just went away and I felt "normal" again. Of coarse we all know that I'm not.