Who's NED?

After 4+ weeks, I finally, FINALLY got my NED!  For those of you non-cancer-lingo-knowing people, that's the "All Clear" I've been waiting for.

I've spent these weeks in my little denial bubble (as a good friend told me, "sometimes you just have to go there") and I was pretty happy there.  I can say very honestly, that I really did not want to know the results, much to the chagrin of my family.

I know I drove my husband crazy with my going about like the cloud of impending doom was not hovering above my head, smiling and singing and baking.  As long as I did not have bad news, I was absolutely happy.

Yesterday though, I thought "enough is enough".  I think my husband lost at least 5lbs this week.  I called the clinic and talked to Dee (name changed for privacy purposes).  I love this woman.  I honestly think she makes the cancer experience better for the patients in that clinic.  She told me doctor wouldn't be in until Thursday to which I replied, "are you serious?"  Because it was late in the day, she told me she'd have a nurse call doctor in the morning (today) and let her know I'm waiting.

So shortly after 9:30 my cell phone started playing the theme from Law and Order: SVU and I recognized the number immediately.  It was Jay (again with the clever name changes), my 2nd favorite nurse in the clinic.  My whole body tingled and froze as she started talking to me.  I felt paralyzed...my happy denial bubble was gone and I felt naked sitting there at my desk.  I immediately regretted answering my phone while I was at work.

She began telling me they saw NED.  Oh how I love that mother trucker!  No Evidence of Disease!  None!  Clear!  I yelled "all clear!" in the office and got all kinds of yays and then I started crying.  Apparently that bubble was keeping all of the emotion away from me and it all came swirling around me after I got the news.

This experience has brought out the best and the worst in me and I cannot wait to go down to the Light the Night walk tomorrow night, put on my "Survivor" t-shirt, and walk with my favorite people, celebrating this victory.

Now, who wants to have a drink with me?!

How Can I Not Want To Know?

With this recent scare, I have put off my scan, and have made it very clear that I did not want to know anything until after my daughter's birthday.  My family, and possibly some friends cannot fathom my not wanting to know.

My husband was in such a state Friday because of my scan that he came home from work.  I was smiling and relaxed, making birthday cake in my clueless bubble.  He was sick to his stomach.

So how could I not want to know anything?  It's simple.  I've been there, done that.  I don't want to go through it again.  I don't know if I have the strength to do it and so I'd rather live in the bliss of an oblivion.  When I think about recurrence, I think "I don't know if I'd do anything about it anyway".  And therefore, it is easy for me to relax, and enjoy my daughter's birthday with my family.  To live in the moment.

In the back of my mind I know it could be the last family gathering, but I've lived with that knowledge for just over four years now.  I know my time is limited.  I no longer have that sense of being indestructible.  I'm fully aware that at any given moment, I could be gone and to be perfectly honest, a huge part of me just doesn't want to know.

Now, I don't have a death wish.  I don't want to leave my daughters or my life and I'm sure if it came down to it I would fight like hell.  I just have had to accept and live with the knowledge of my mortality for some time.  Every family gathering, every get-together with a friend; I try to savor them and hold them in my heart.

And so when it comes to this, I have to have faith that whatever the outcome, it is what is meant to be.