Fear

I wish I could erase the last 7 months from my memory. I've endured many road bumps on my journey and they've left me a paranoid person, afraid for my life. With every little pain I find myself begging God to let me live. I don't recognize myself anymore. I can't find my sense of humor, my sarcasm, my wit. It's like I've broken down on the side of the road and am waiting for a tow.

My latest fear is this PICC line. I thought that Interventional Radiology put them in, but a respiratory therapist called me to schedule it. They don't put you to sleep, just "numb you up real good". Take a look at this - how can they possibly numb you up enough not to feel any of this:

And with having three kids, I'm not looking forward to having this sticking out of my arm:

Now I just googled this picture and perhaps my picc line won't be such a monstrosity, but I'm pretty sure it will be.

I am a stressed out mess. I withdrew Skye from her summer school art class because she is only five years old, at a strange school, and the teachers just let them go after class onto the playground with at least 150 other kids. I wasn't able to find her easily and the last day I took her I watched her walk up the stairs to the playground alone, looking around because she didn't know which way to go. With everything else, I didn't need that stress in my life.

I want to enjoy part of this summer. It's my favorite time of year - I spend months pining after it and this year I have been robbed of anything fun. I can't go to any festivals or any place with crowds. When I ignored this and went to 7 mile fair I ended up in the hospital with some mystery infection. I'm afraid to go anywhere, to do anything, to feel anything.

I wonder if I will ever be back to my old self, the comedian, laughing all the time. Or will I always be a shadow of my former self, always paranoid, always fearful.