With all of these animal deaths I have been asking myself, "Self, if this is the end of days, who do I want to spend it with?" It's actually kind of a trick question for me.
I've been so emotional lately; crying about everything. On the verge of a mental disaster. So I'm kind of in a dark place lately. My sister has a new baby and I never hear from her or see her, except to hear about her and her problems. It's not like I haven't tried reaching out to her - she just ignores me or changes the subject. As a matter of fact, I can't think of anyone who has actually asked me how I am and stuck around long enough to listen.
I'm thinking about going up north to visit my cousin as a way to kinda step back from everything and clear my head and maybe pick his brain for awhile. I just really feel like I need to take myself out of my life and look at it from the outside for a minute.
I need to find some peace.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Results pt. 2
You know, the mind is an amazing thing. I was watching tv waiting for 10:30 to roll around and when it did, I stood up to get ready to go and instantly my stomach started burning. I wondered what the hell I ate, and realized that one blueberry eggo could not possibly be the culprit. I tried to go into daydream mode (my usual mode anyway) but couldn't focus on any of the usual suspects. I brushed my teeth, checked my hair and got my coat on. When I got in the van, the burning turned into pain and I felt like I was going to throw up. "Oh God", I thought to myself. "The last thing I need is the flu."
I got in the van and put on one of my favorite happy songs, trying to distract myself. The six minute drive to the hospital seemed like 45 minutes. By the time I got a few blocks away from my house, I was wavering between laughing at myself for feeling like I was going to puke and crying. The closer I got the hospital, the more my stomach burned that chemo burn, as if I drank poison and my hands started shaking. I had one fist up to my mouth for a mini dry-heave and was now trying desperately not to cry and to focus on the happy song. All of this was out of my control, and I remembered going thru the same thing six months ago...and six months before that.
Finally I got there and my legs felt like they were made out of cement; they were so heavy. I got into the office and was sure that Diane the secretary was acting stand-offish toward me. As she scanned my insurance card, I looked at my chart and saw CT chest with no IV contrast 1/11, Pet scheduled. I started sweating as I sat there. I kept wondering why a PET was scheduled.
Roberta RN came and got me and took me to a room, where she checked my vitals and took my blood and history for the last six months. I kept trying to read her, to see if she knew anything but I couldn't. She ran my blood over to lab and I grabbed that clipboard with that yellow piece of paper with the "PET scheduled" written on it...below that it said "faxed 6/28" - whew, it was old!
Dr. Howard interrupted Roberta's questioning of me, and I thought it was very peculiar that I didn't have to wait to see her. Again, I started shaking as she told me that my CT looks EXCELLENT!!!!
Hip Hop Hooray!
I can breathe again.
I got in the van and put on one of my favorite happy songs, trying to distract myself. The six minute drive to the hospital seemed like 45 minutes. By the time I got a few blocks away from my house, I was wavering between laughing at myself for feeling like I was going to puke and crying. The closer I got the hospital, the more my stomach burned that chemo burn, as if I drank poison and my hands started shaking. I had one fist up to my mouth for a mini dry-heave and was now trying desperately not to cry and to focus on the happy song. All of this was out of my control, and I remembered going thru the same thing six months ago...and six months before that.
Finally I got there and my legs felt like they were made out of cement; they were so heavy. I got into the office and was sure that Diane the secretary was acting stand-offish toward me. As she scanned my insurance card, I looked at my chart and saw CT chest with no IV contrast 1/11, Pet scheduled. I started sweating as I sat there. I kept wondering why a PET was scheduled.
Roberta RN came and got me and took me to a room, where she checked my vitals and took my blood and history for the last six months. I kept trying to read her, to see if she knew anything but I couldn't. She ran my blood over to lab and I grabbed that clipboard with that yellow piece of paper with the "PET scheduled" written on it...below that it said "faxed 6/28" - whew, it was old!
Dr. Howard interrupted Roberta's questioning of me, and I thought it was very peculiar that I didn't have to wait to see her. Again, I started shaking as she told me that my CT looks EXCELLENT!!!!
Hip Hop Hooray!
I can breathe again.
Results pt. 1
Only 2.5 hours until my appointment in which they will suck my veins dry for lab tests and then make me wait a significant amount of time to see Dr. H. I'm not looking forward to it at all. As a matter of fact, it's putting a damper on my day. I have shopping to do, hair to dye, and eyebrows to get done. My appointment is at 11:00 and I probably won't get out of there until like 1:00 or so. I think I'm deflecting tho.
I'm pretty much prepared to hear whatever they have to say. I feel pretty calm and I think that the CT is probably pretty clear. I'm still worried that it's not or that something will be missed because of the horrible neck pain I've had for the last few weeks and how tired I've been the last month or so. But hopefully today will reboost my confidence for the next six months. I actually fear the day they tell me that I don't have to get checked for a whole year. I think I should be checked every three months until I'm no longer paralyzed with paranoia and then every six months for 2 years after that...just to make sure my mind has gotten over it all.
I am not looking forward to being in that clinic. Whenever I walk into that hospital I start getting nauseous, but when I walk in that clinic and sit in that waiting room with everyone welcoming me, I really feel sick. My stomach actually burns like it did during chemo. I know it's just a mental thing, but it's hard to talk myself down from that. Once I leave the hospital unscathed, my body goes back to normal. Maybe not this time. Maybe this time, I'll try a new attitude and see if I can distract my body from reaction.
I'll update later.
I'm pretty much prepared to hear whatever they have to say. I feel pretty calm and I think that the CT is probably pretty clear. I'm still worried that it's not or that something will be missed because of the horrible neck pain I've had for the last few weeks and how tired I've been the last month or so. But hopefully today will reboost my confidence for the next six months. I actually fear the day they tell me that I don't have to get checked for a whole year. I think I should be checked every three months until I'm no longer paralyzed with paranoia and then every six months for 2 years after that...just to make sure my mind has gotten over it all.
I am not looking forward to being in that clinic. Whenever I walk into that hospital I start getting nauseous, but when I walk in that clinic and sit in that waiting room with everyone welcoming me, I really feel sick. My stomach actually burns like it did during chemo. I know it's just a mental thing, but it's hard to talk myself down from that. Once I leave the hospital unscathed, my body goes back to normal. Maybe not this time. Maybe this time, I'll try a new attitude and see if I can distract my body from reaction.
I'll update later.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Glimpse
Just a glimpse into my mind this week:
Every time the phone rings, I'm convinced it's the office calling me in early and every time I sleep, I dream about the phone ringing, or having to go into the office early. I'm convinced they haven't called me yet because of the holiday...as if they decided to let me enjoy New Year's before telling me. I can't stop thinking about it. This scan scares me more than the others before it for some reason. Thursday will not be here soon enough.
Every time the phone rings, I'm convinced it's the office calling me in early and every time I sleep, I dream about the phone ringing, or having to go into the office early. I'm convinced they haven't called me yet because of the holiday...as if they decided to let me enjoy New Year's before telling me. I can't stop thinking about it. This scan scares me more than the others before it for some reason. Thursday will not be here soon enough.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Good Morning!
As I lay in bed this morning, dozing in and out, debating whether or not to get up the phone rang. No one answered it, and I got the thought in my head that it was Dr. H's office calling to tell me they found something on my CT. The more I tried to push the thought out of my head and go back to sleep, the more convinced I was that I was right.
I wasn't.
I should've just went back to bed.
I wasn't.
I should've just went back to bed.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Check, Check 1-2-3
It's that time again! Wednesday is my CT, and so will begin the week-long cycle of numbness, fear, paranoia, panic, sleepless nights, bitchiness, getting lost in my own head, and finally physical illness when I enter the clinic for my results. It's a bittersweet experience for me. I'm glad to have the CT done. I want to have it done more often. If I had to have one done every month, you'd never hear me complain about it. But a lot can happen in the six months between scans and I know all too well that doctors and radiologists miss things. And so I live in my own brand of hell from a day or two before the scan, until I get the results.
I was in Bryan's den the other day grabbing the presents to wrap and saw a picture on his desk of him and I at Miller Park. I swam through the sludge in my mind trying to place that memory - gone. I don't remember that picture or that day. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to remember - if I'm that desperate for leave the whole cancer experience behind me that he's just become collateral damage. But then I look at my kids and how desperate I am to remember how they smelled when they were babies and I know that's not the case. I just can't figure out how my feelings could change so drastically, so fast.
I wish I could find one person to talk to in complete honesty who would never breathe a word of it to anyone.
I was in Bryan's den the other day grabbing the presents to wrap and saw a picture on his desk of him and I at Miller Park. I swam through the sludge in my mind trying to place that memory - gone. I don't remember that picture or that day. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to remember - if I'm that desperate for leave the whole cancer experience behind me that he's just become collateral damage. But then I look at my kids and how desperate I am to remember how they smelled when they were babies and I know that's not the case. I just can't figure out how my feelings could change so drastically, so fast.
I wish I could find one person to talk to in complete honesty who would never breathe a word of it to anyone.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Cold
When I think about my husband, I feel cold.
When I think about the lump on the back of my neck I just found, I feel cold.
When I think about the CT scan I have next week, I feel cold.
When I think about my life - pissed off!
My neck has been hurting pretty bad for the last two weeks. I keep thinking it'll go away when I stop sleeping on the damn couch - and some days it does hurt worse than other days. I check it daily for lumps, bumps, and bulges and have found nothing, until last night. On the back of my neck there was a tender lump. I'm confulded as to what I should do about it. I don't have that shitty sinking feeling like I did when I first found the huge buldge in my neck in '09. I feel nothing about it but annoyed that I have to think about this so close to Christmas.
Next week is my CT scan. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me doesn't want to go. I know that I could never go through chemo again and come out it without being a seriously damaged person. The last bout made me a little crazy, a little extreme on the emo scale, and a lot forgetful. I just don't think I would have it in my to do it again. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also don't trust that a CT of my chest would catch everything. I feel like they should be checking all the areas that were affected - like my N-E-C-K.
As for life, well it just pisses me off that I have to deal with any of the above. Not that I expect some fairy tale ending, but you know I think that I'm a pretty good person and I see all of these shitty, judgemental people sitting up on their high horses with everything they ever wanted around them. All I want is to be healthy and happy and I'm really starting to see that they go hand in hand...
When I think about the lump on the back of my neck I just found, I feel cold.
When I think about the CT scan I have next week, I feel cold.
When I think about my life - pissed off!
My neck has been hurting pretty bad for the last two weeks. I keep thinking it'll go away when I stop sleeping on the damn couch - and some days it does hurt worse than other days. I check it daily for lumps, bumps, and bulges and have found nothing, until last night. On the back of my neck there was a tender lump. I'm confulded as to what I should do about it. I don't have that shitty sinking feeling like I did when I first found the huge buldge in my neck in '09. I feel nothing about it but annoyed that I have to think about this so close to Christmas.
Next week is my CT scan. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me doesn't want to go. I know that I could never go through chemo again and come out it without being a seriously damaged person. The last bout made me a little crazy, a little extreme on the emo scale, and a lot forgetful. I just don't think I would have it in my to do it again. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also don't trust that a CT of my chest would catch everything. I feel like they should be checking all the areas that were affected - like my N-E-C-K.
As for life, well it just pisses me off that I have to deal with any of the above. Not that I expect some fairy tale ending, but you know I think that I'm a pretty good person and I see all of these shitty, judgemental people sitting up on their high horses with everything they ever wanted around them. All I want is to be healthy and happy and I'm really starting to see that they go hand in hand...
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