Before reading the top 10 reasons I've decided to be a vampire, please be advised that I am in no way a Twilight fan. I'm quite the opposite in fact. I wasn't goin to bother with the movie, but a friend insisted I borrow it. I turned it off right after the main vamp pulled open his shirt to reveal that vampires shimmer and make noise when they do it. I'm not on any team, and will only watch a Twilight movie that consists of all of them killing each other.
I am however, a vampire fan and have been since before the writer of Twilight was born. Ok, maybe not that long, but you catch my drift.
Let's carry on then...
10. There's much less traffic at night.
9. I wouldn't have to go grocery shopping.
8. I'd lose weight much faster if I only drank blood.
7. I already have the wardrobe.
6. I could clean the house super fast.
5. I'm not a morning person.
4. I'm already pale.
3. My skin would have a nice glow without makeup.
2. Have you ever seen an ugly vampire?
1. I'm kinda sick of fearing for my life.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I'm so over it...
...nearly dying that is. I mean, didn't I just blog wondering if I ever would get over it?
So Thanksgiving, I ate and was merry with my family until 2:30 when I left for work. It wasn't a bad day, more of a boring, frustrating day. My then work-friend, now blood sister had kind of a bad day so she asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink after work. I of coarse, said yes.
We were sitting at a table close to the door. My back was to the door, facing her and we talked and had a couple of beers. We were there maybe an hour when I heard a loud "pop". It didn't occur to me what was happening at first, but my blood sister's blue eyeballs were huge and her face was stiff and white. Things were processing very slowly for me at this point, and then it all sped up - kinda like in the movies. A very tall man with a mask started yelling at people to get down, empty your wallets, empty your bags, and was hoping around the bar like the crazy carck-head he probably was. I saw my blood sister emptying her wallet and so I emptied mine and we left everything for him at the edge of our table so he could grab it easily. I closed my eyes and folded my hands and slid down toward the ground and tuned everything else out around me. I must've sensed that he was closer because when he yelled "get up" I was terrified that he was talking to me. Lucky for me, but not for her the grabbed the girl at the next table and used her as a shield to get out of the bar. I was in another place until my blood sister said "tell me that did not just happen". I asked if he was gone because I didn't want to talk until he was gone and then everyone and everything started moving around me.
People ran to the door to lock it, started hugging, checking on others, demanding drinks, even smoking in the bar. I turned around and saw the bullet hole in the ceiling like 3-4 feet behind me and my body just shook.
We were stuck there for what seemed like hours afterwards, shaking, and giving statements. An officer took our statements, but said we couldn't leave because some detectives might come. I texted my BFF while my blood sister and I talked about going home and crawling in bed with one of our kids. We agreed that was all we could think about. We also both knew that once we got into our cars, we would break down.
Besides the 4-6 police officers, like 9 detectives came in. They took us to their cars one at a time and took our statements. When I saw that it was after 2:30 I called Bryan and told him I'd be home whenever I could. I really didn't see very much because my back was to him and my eyes were closed. He was tall (and he probably seemed taller because I was terrified of him), had a dark coat, a black hoodie, and a white face mask. That's all I could remember. I'm pretty sure he was black.
Finally I got to my car, and the tears started flowing. I couldn't wait to get home. I wanted to crawl in bed with Skye. I rolled in around 4am. Bryan was up and interrogating me. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted one of my babies in my arms. Nevertheless, he kept asking me questions (even tho I already told him everything) and rather than "comforting" me, he quick became an annoyance. I kept repeating that I didn't want to talk about it, that I was tired, that I wanted my babies and he kept following me around with a flashlight...ok, ok, not a flashlight, but you get my drift. Like clockwork, River woke up. I carried her to the couch and wrapped myself around her. Bryan was made because he couldn't fit next to me so there I was smooshed between the two of them - him with his questions and her with her sweet smell, like a good and evil sandwich. He kept adjusting himself and finally I told him to go back to bed. He said "I'm trying to comfort you" and I told him that I'm not comfortable or comforted, I couldn't even stretch out my legs. I felt like he was trying to comfort himself more than me.
I didn't sleep. I was up from 7am Thursday mornig until 8pm Friday night. I didn't eat. I had a salad Thursday night around 6:30 and didn't eat until around 6:30 Friday. My muscles were sore from shaking. My stomach felt like any contents would come right back up if I ate or drank anything. My head was pounding. I just wanted to sleep. Finally, I did. I slept for 13 hours. I'm feeling a little better, but I really haven't left my house yet. I'm hoping my memory loses this memory along with all the others.
So feeling like I might die is getting old. Very, very old.
I should mention that the jackass didn't take our stuff. He didn't even take the cas that the bartender put on the bar for him. He grabbed one purse and some guy's necklace.
So Thanksgiving, I ate and was merry with my family until 2:30 when I left for work. It wasn't a bad day, more of a boring, frustrating day. My then work-friend, now blood sister had kind of a bad day so she asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink after work. I of coarse, said yes.
We were sitting at a table close to the door. My back was to the door, facing her and we talked and had a couple of beers. We were there maybe an hour when I heard a loud "pop". It didn't occur to me what was happening at first, but my blood sister's blue eyeballs were huge and her face was stiff and white. Things were processing very slowly for me at this point, and then it all sped up - kinda like in the movies. A very tall man with a mask started yelling at people to get down, empty your wallets, empty your bags, and was hoping around the bar like the crazy carck-head he probably was. I saw my blood sister emptying her wallet and so I emptied mine and we left everything for him at the edge of our table so he could grab it easily. I closed my eyes and folded my hands and slid down toward the ground and tuned everything else out around me. I must've sensed that he was closer because when he yelled "get up" I was terrified that he was talking to me. Lucky for me, but not for her the grabbed the girl at the next table and used her as a shield to get out of the bar. I was in another place until my blood sister said "tell me that did not just happen". I asked if he was gone because I didn't want to talk until he was gone and then everyone and everything started moving around me.
People ran to the door to lock it, started hugging, checking on others, demanding drinks, even smoking in the bar. I turned around and saw the bullet hole in the ceiling like 3-4 feet behind me and my body just shook.
We were stuck there for what seemed like hours afterwards, shaking, and giving statements. An officer took our statements, but said we couldn't leave because some detectives might come. I texted my BFF while my blood sister and I talked about going home and crawling in bed with one of our kids. We agreed that was all we could think about. We also both knew that once we got into our cars, we would break down.
Besides the 4-6 police officers, like 9 detectives came in. They took us to their cars one at a time and took our statements. When I saw that it was after 2:30 I called Bryan and told him I'd be home whenever I could. I really didn't see very much because my back was to him and my eyes were closed. He was tall (and he probably seemed taller because I was terrified of him), had a dark coat, a black hoodie, and a white face mask. That's all I could remember. I'm pretty sure he was black.
Finally I got to my car, and the tears started flowing. I couldn't wait to get home. I wanted to crawl in bed with Skye. I rolled in around 4am. Bryan was up and interrogating me. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted one of my babies in my arms. Nevertheless, he kept asking me questions (even tho I already told him everything) and rather than "comforting" me, he quick became an annoyance. I kept repeating that I didn't want to talk about it, that I was tired, that I wanted my babies and he kept following me around with a flashlight...ok, ok, not a flashlight, but you get my drift. Like clockwork, River woke up. I carried her to the couch and wrapped myself around her. Bryan was made because he couldn't fit next to me so there I was smooshed between the two of them - him with his questions and her with her sweet smell, like a good and evil sandwich. He kept adjusting himself and finally I told him to go back to bed. He said "I'm trying to comfort you" and I told him that I'm not comfortable or comforted, I couldn't even stretch out my legs. I felt like he was trying to comfort himself more than me.
I didn't sleep. I was up from 7am Thursday mornig until 8pm Friday night. I didn't eat. I had a salad Thursday night around 6:30 and didn't eat until around 6:30 Friday. My muscles were sore from shaking. My stomach felt like any contents would come right back up if I ate or drank anything. My head was pounding. I just wanted to sleep. Finally, I did. I slept for 13 hours. I'm feeling a little better, but I really haven't left my house yet. I'm hoping my memory loses this memory along with all the others.
So feeling like I might die is getting old. Very, very old.
I should mention that the jackass didn't take our stuff. He didn't even take the cas that the bartender put on the bar for him. He grabbed one purse and some guy's necklace.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Getting over it
Will I? Ever get over it I mean. How long before the paranoia and fear goes away? Or even decreases? How long before I get a small pain and think "ouch" rather than wondering if this is the symptom that is going to lead some doctor to my ultimate diagnosis of death? How long until I can look at my children and not wonder how much longer I have with them? So that's what I've been pondering these days...how long.
Last week there were three nights in a row where I woke up sweating. Night sweats they call them. A symptom of Lymphoma. Also a symptom of PMS. Also a symptom of a lot of things. So after day one, I tell myself it was a fluke but in the back of my mind, I wonder. Day two comes and goes and I tell myself that ol' Aunt Flo is just coming for a visit and not to worry about it but in the back of my mind I feel the fear building. Day three comes and with it, Aunt Flo. I thank God all day and night and pray (maybe beg would be a better word) that the night sweats stop now and that I can actually remember next month that this happens to I don't turn into a emo mess again.
In other news, I'm not quite sure what has sparked my remembering my dreams, but every night (that I pass stage 1 of sleep), I dream and pretty vividly. I've never experienced this type of dreaming before - where I actually feel that I'm in control. I'm not in control of the plot of it, but once I'm in whatever situation, I'm in control of my next move and I can easily read the situations. There's also been some consistency with who appears in my dreams. I honestly can't remember the last time I remember my dreams before this series started. I like it. I like it a lot.
Last week there were three nights in a row where I woke up sweating. Night sweats they call them. A symptom of Lymphoma. Also a symptom of PMS. Also a symptom of a lot of things. So after day one, I tell myself it was a fluke but in the back of my mind, I wonder. Day two comes and goes and I tell myself that ol' Aunt Flo is just coming for a visit and not to worry about it but in the back of my mind I feel the fear building. Day three comes and with it, Aunt Flo. I thank God all day and night and pray (maybe beg would be a better word) that the night sweats stop now and that I can actually remember next month that this happens to I don't turn into a emo mess again.
In other news, I'm not quite sure what has sparked my remembering my dreams, but every night (that I pass stage 1 of sleep), I dream and pretty vividly. I've never experienced this type of dreaming before - where I actually feel that I'm in control. I'm not in control of the plot of it, but once I'm in whatever situation, I'm in control of my next move and I can easily read the situations. There's also been some consistency with who appears in my dreams. I honestly can't remember the last time I remember my dreams before this series started. I like it. I like it a lot.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Lighter Side of Me?
My last few posts came from a pretty dark place inside that I don't usually touch base with unless it's necessary. It must've been necessary. It's easy for me to write about these feelings because once I get started, it just feels good to let them out. It's harder for me to write about my upbeat, lighter side for a few reasons...
1. Does anyone really like to hear about the happy gushy stuff someone has to say? We watch Lifetime movies so cry and let that darkness out.
2. Few people share my sense of humor and sarcasm and probably would just take anything I say when I'm in a good mood wrong when reading it, or worse yet they wouldn't understand what I'm saying at all.
3. When I'm the happiest, I can't talk about it because the reason I feel this way isn't the reason I should be feeling this way. To clarify, there are things that set my heart a'blaze that probably shouldn't but do. I can't help that they do any more than you can help that you like horror movies or reality TV. The fact just is that they do and so I don't talk about those things.
These are the three main reasons that I don't blog when I'm feeling sunshiney and carefree. I'm not all emo and goth all the time. In fact, I'm quite a bit of fun. But on occasion, my thoughts go over to the dark side in me and I need to let them out in some form. Writing is my form. Don't deny your dark sides, they have a way of seeping out if you do.
1. Does anyone really like to hear about the happy gushy stuff someone has to say? We watch Lifetime movies so cry and let that darkness out.
2. Few people share my sense of humor and sarcasm and probably would just take anything I say when I'm in a good mood wrong when reading it, or worse yet they wouldn't understand what I'm saying at all.
3. When I'm the happiest, I can't talk about it because the reason I feel this way isn't the reason I should be feeling this way. To clarify, there are things that set my heart a'blaze that probably shouldn't but do. I can't help that they do any more than you can help that you like horror movies or reality TV. The fact just is that they do and so I don't talk about those things.
These are the three main reasons that I don't blog when I'm feeling sunshiney and carefree. I'm not all emo and goth all the time. In fact, I'm quite a bit of fun. But on occasion, my thoughts go over to the dark side in me and I need to let them out in some form. Writing is my form. Don't deny your dark sides, they have a way of seeping out if you do.
Friday, November 5, 2010
And I Ask Myself...
...how did I get here? It's hard to face this part of my life right now. I have to choose between what I feel in my heart and what I think in my head is "right". Quite frankly, I'm tired of following my head and would love to just follow my heart for the first time in a very long time but I have more than just myself to think about.
I'm tired of being pulled in two directions. I'm tired of feeling like a shitty person. I wish I could get some insight as to the meaning of life.
How did I lose so much of myself? When did this all happen? Was it marriage? Becoming a mother? Becoming a mother of 3 kids in a 16-month period? Heartbreaks, disappointments, let-downs, job changes, staying at home, loss of friends, relationship changes? Cancer?
I'm tired of being pulled in two directions. I'm tired of feeling like a shitty person. I wish I could get some insight as to the meaning of life.
How did I lose so much of myself? When did this all happen? Was it marriage? Becoming a mother? Becoming a mother of 3 kids in a 16-month period? Heartbreaks, disappointments, let-downs, job changes, staying at home, loss of friends, relationship changes? Cancer?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Pain
So the last few days, I'm kinda sick to death of pain and the only explanation is "sometimes chemo causes that". So what? I'm just supposed to suck it up? My pains:
1. Right side of my neck
2. Back of my neck on the right
3. Right chest
4. Right clavicle
5. Right arm
6. Right armpit
7. Right shoulder
8. Everthing between right back of neck and right shoulder
9. Right hip
ALL THE TIME.
Chest and arm pit are probably scar tissue. Right clavicle and arm are probably due to damage from my mediport placement. Lovely.
Every day I pray that I don't have a recurrance because I know I couldn't handle the chemo again.
The Light The Night walk was a great success. Personally I wished I had tried harder to get more donations, but I love being part of something so big and important. And as much as I hate hearing the stories and see the small kids with scarves on their heads I believe it's a good reminder for me. It was cool to see a little boy that was sick last year, now in his terrible twos.
And now a little update on my mental health...still feeling very selfish. I still wish I could hang out with my favorite person in the world all the time. I'm finding myself "zoning out" a lot more lately. Before the majority of my day dreams were at bedtime when I couldn't sleep or in the car when I was alone. Now, I could be anywhere. I feel like JD from scrubs - head tilted to the side, just day-dreaming up a storm.
I haven't been very emotional the last few days tho. Quite the opposite. With the exception of the Walk, I've been feeling angry and cold again. I don't know where these feelings come from or if it's some kind of defense mechanism.
I'm also noticing that I'm pretty tired lately. That scares me. It could be the change in weather, or adjusting to the back to school routine, or that I'm actually learning again and making my brain do something out of the ordinary.
Perhaps the common fool would wonder why, oh why don't I go to the doctor. I'll tell you a little secret: I DON'T TRUST DOCTORS.
Ok. So, what makes me happy these days? My kids as always, tho they also are major stress factors in my life...and not always because of something they do. There's school, bullies, homework, sicknesses, etc. School is making me happy - I feel so good when I finish an assignment or do good on a test. Other than that, I can't really say what makes me happy...no really, I can't say.
What really, really bothers me is that I'm usually really good at working out what's in my head myself. I can usually sit down and take a long hard "look in the mirror" and figure it out. It has taken me days, even months depending on what was wrong at the time, but I've always been able to get myself through things. Now, I just don't have the time to go through my head and figure out what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and what I need to get over it (or around it, or through it, etc.) All I know, is when I do actually feel something, it's absolutely NOT what I should be feeling.
And I know these last two blogs have been more like the ramblings of a crazy person, but I can't help it. This is what it's like in my brain right now. I wish I could call up the hoarders team to organize all the shit in there...that's a joke haha.
1. Right side of my neck
2. Back of my neck on the right
3. Right chest
4. Right clavicle
5. Right arm
6. Right armpit
7. Right shoulder
8. Everthing between right back of neck and right shoulder
9. Right hip
ALL THE TIME.
Chest and arm pit are probably scar tissue. Right clavicle and arm are probably due to damage from my mediport placement. Lovely.
Every day I pray that I don't have a recurrance because I know I couldn't handle the chemo again.
The Light The Night walk was a great success. Personally I wished I had tried harder to get more donations, but I love being part of something so big and important. And as much as I hate hearing the stories and see the small kids with scarves on their heads I believe it's a good reminder for me. It was cool to see a little boy that was sick last year, now in his terrible twos.
And now a little update on my mental health...still feeling very selfish. I still wish I could hang out with my favorite person in the world all the time. I'm finding myself "zoning out" a lot more lately. Before the majority of my day dreams were at bedtime when I couldn't sleep or in the car when I was alone. Now, I could be anywhere. I feel like JD from scrubs - head tilted to the side, just day-dreaming up a storm.
I haven't been very emotional the last few days tho. Quite the opposite. With the exception of the Walk, I've been feeling angry and cold again. I don't know where these feelings come from or if it's some kind of defense mechanism.
I'm also noticing that I'm pretty tired lately. That scares me. It could be the change in weather, or adjusting to the back to school routine, or that I'm actually learning again and making my brain do something out of the ordinary.
Perhaps the common fool would wonder why, oh why don't I go to the doctor. I'll tell you a little secret: I DON'T TRUST DOCTORS.
Ok. So, what makes me happy these days? My kids as always, tho they also are major stress factors in my life...and not always because of something they do. There's school, bullies, homework, sicknesses, etc. School is making me happy - I feel so good when I finish an assignment or do good on a test. Other than that, I can't really say what makes me happy...no really, I can't say.
What really, really bothers me is that I'm usually really good at working out what's in my head myself. I can usually sit down and take a long hard "look in the mirror" and figure it out. It has taken me days, even months depending on what was wrong at the time, but I've always been able to get myself through things. Now, I just don't have the time to go through my head and figure out what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and what I need to get over it (or around it, or through it, etc.) All I know, is when I do actually feel something, it's absolutely NOT what I should be feeling.
And I know these last two blogs have been more like the ramblings of a crazy person, but I can't help it. This is what it's like in my brain right now. I wish I could call up the hoarders team to organize all the shit in there...that's a joke haha.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
My How Time Flies...
...when you're in denial.
Well maybe not denial, exactly. For some reason, looking back on the past six months the things that stand out most to me is the downward spiral of my marriage, the birth of my niece, and the darkness looming just beneath the surface of my self.
More and more, all of the emotion I managed to avoid while being sick is creeping up on me. While I was sick I slept. I slept a lot and when I wasn't sleeping I was on the verge of sleeping. Suddenly a year later I find myself so emotional that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Built Ford tough as I was, am now constantly on the verge of tears, unable to find a moment to myself to deal with all that has happened. Wondering what it was all for. For what reason did it happen to me? It hasn't made me stronger - if anything, I'm much weaker. It didn't strengthen my marriage, my friendships, my relationships with anyone - if anything it has weakened all of those too. I find myself enjoying the company of no one. I find myself feeling so alone in the middle of a crowd of people I know and love; watching them in slow motion as they laugh and interact, knowing nothing of the pain I carry.
I think this all started to hit me when I heard about my aunt's uteran cancer returning...despite no longer having a uterus. My first instinct was to reach out to her, but I quickly realized that in doing so, I would have to face my own reality...the one I had been trying so hard to forget.
My husband and I hadn't even touched each other in months and rather than living "together" we just coexisted. My unhappiness growing. But rather than dealing with facing cancer, I faced him. After some counseling and talking, we're a work in progress but I can't say that I'm happy yet...whatever that means.
My family feels like I'm isolating them since I don't feel I can confinde in anyone about anything. It's not my intention, I just don't know how they could possibly understand and I don't know how to make them.
Sometimes I day dream about an island. Metaphor? Maybe.
And there lies my problem: Life's Too Short Syndrome. I can't help but asking myself "If Dr. Howard told me I only had three months to live, would I want to keep doing what I'm doing?" And the answer is a big, fat NO. So how do I balance that feeling with what I am doing now? And I'm so sick of always doing what I'm supposed to do. Always being the good girl; doing the right thing for everyone else. What the fuck about me?
This feeling has become even more present lately. I baked Skye's birthday cake and suddenly I feel like I'm surrounded by people telling me what kind of cake I'm going to make them for their birthdays. What the fuck about my birthday? Who's going to take my request? Who's going to make me a birthday cake?
I guess it boils down to my wanting to be selfish. For once in my life, I want it to be about MY life. Me.
Is that so wrong?
I did finally write my aunt a letter an admitted that the reason it took me so long, was because in writing to her about her cancer I had to face my own experience (and here comes that lump in my throat and the welling of the tears). I told her that I had nothing profound to say to her to make her feel better about what she was going thru. I told her that I just wanted her to know that I know and that if she ever needs me, I am here.
Ugh...hubby just busted me crying.
So now here I am, miss "Got it Together", is so falling apart. I feel like that game Break the Ice.
My marriage counselor sucks. I don't want to waste my precious minutes on this earth in counseling anyway, and I really don't care if that makes me a bad wife. Sadly, I fear it makes me a bad mother and so I keep working at it for them. Some days feel hopeful and others feel like I'm settling and every day I think of that island.
I have been finding much joy in just looking at my girls. Those moments between cooking breakfast and taking complaints when I can just watch them. And now I have a new niece that brings me joy. Island. What? Who said that?
Anyway, due to my latest emotional state, I've decided to start blogging again. I know that this blog is kinda out of order and all over the place, but I had to catch you up and well, quite frankly I'm all over the place. So now you're where I am. Are you catching on?
Until next blog...
Well maybe not denial, exactly. For some reason, looking back on the past six months the things that stand out most to me is the downward spiral of my marriage, the birth of my niece, and the darkness looming just beneath the surface of my self.
More and more, all of the emotion I managed to avoid while being sick is creeping up on me. While I was sick I slept. I slept a lot and when I wasn't sleeping I was on the verge of sleeping. Suddenly a year later I find myself so emotional that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Built Ford tough as I was, am now constantly on the verge of tears, unable to find a moment to myself to deal with all that has happened. Wondering what it was all for. For what reason did it happen to me? It hasn't made me stronger - if anything, I'm much weaker. It didn't strengthen my marriage, my friendships, my relationships with anyone - if anything it has weakened all of those too. I find myself enjoying the company of no one. I find myself feeling so alone in the middle of a crowd of people I know and love; watching them in slow motion as they laugh and interact, knowing nothing of the pain I carry.
I think this all started to hit me when I heard about my aunt's uteran cancer returning...despite no longer having a uterus. My first instinct was to reach out to her, but I quickly realized that in doing so, I would have to face my own reality...the one I had been trying so hard to forget.
My husband and I hadn't even touched each other in months and rather than living "together" we just coexisted. My unhappiness growing. But rather than dealing with facing cancer, I faced him. After some counseling and talking, we're a work in progress but I can't say that I'm happy yet...whatever that means.
My family feels like I'm isolating them since I don't feel I can confinde in anyone about anything. It's not my intention, I just don't know how they could possibly understand and I don't know how to make them.
Sometimes I day dream about an island. Metaphor? Maybe.
And there lies my problem: Life's Too Short Syndrome. I can't help but asking myself "If Dr. Howard told me I only had three months to live, would I want to keep doing what I'm doing?" And the answer is a big, fat NO. So how do I balance that feeling with what I am doing now? And I'm so sick of always doing what I'm supposed to do. Always being the good girl; doing the right thing for everyone else. What the fuck about me?
This feeling has become even more present lately. I baked Skye's birthday cake and suddenly I feel like I'm surrounded by people telling me what kind of cake I'm going to make them for their birthdays. What the fuck about my birthday? Who's going to take my request? Who's going to make me a birthday cake?
I guess it boils down to my wanting to be selfish. For once in my life, I want it to be about MY life. Me.
Is that so wrong?
I did finally write my aunt a letter an admitted that the reason it took me so long, was because in writing to her about her cancer I had to face my own experience (and here comes that lump in my throat and the welling of the tears). I told her that I had nothing profound to say to her to make her feel better about what she was going thru. I told her that I just wanted her to know that I know and that if she ever needs me, I am here.
Ugh...hubby just busted me crying.
So now here I am, miss "Got it Together", is so falling apart. I feel like that game Break the Ice.
My marriage counselor sucks. I don't want to waste my precious minutes on this earth in counseling anyway, and I really don't care if that makes me a bad wife. Sadly, I fear it makes me a bad mother and so I keep working at it for them. Some days feel hopeful and others feel like I'm settling and every day I think of that island.
I have been finding much joy in just looking at my girls. Those moments between cooking breakfast and taking complaints when I can just watch them. And now I have a new niece that brings me joy. Island. What? Who said that?
Anyway, due to my latest emotional state, I've decided to start blogging again. I know that this blog is kinda out of order and all over the place, but I had to catch you up and well, quite frankly I'm all over the place. So now you're where I am. Are you catching on?
Until next blog...
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