It's been awhile...

It's been a long while. June was my last cancer appointment, and everything was clear. It's coming up on the one year anniversary since my last treatment and I suppose that's exciting.

Not so exciting is that my emotional state, which is now forcing me to deal with all the shit I never dealt with. I have been a super-emotional mess lately, tears always on the verge just waiting for any reason to come out. Then at marraige counseling (more about that later), I said it out load..."I never really dealt with being sick, I just kinda slept thru it all." And that's the bottom line isn't it. I need to deal with what I went thru in my own way; however I can't do that because I am NEVER EVER EVER alone. So Bryan's assignment was to find me some alone time, but so far he hasn't.

We've been going to counseling, but I have to admit that I know the problem is more me than him. I know that I need to work on myself...my mental state, my physical state, my emotional state. I also know that I can't possibly do both. So what do I do? What's more important? Who's more important? My kids are the most important thing to me - this is why I'm trying so hard to be content in my marriage. But if I don't take care of myself, what good am I going to be to them? In order to take care of myself, I'll have to neglect my marriage, and it can't really afford to be neglected any more than it already has. And so I'm at a mental impass with all of these things.

So I am a complete mess.

I've been reading the book Women, Food, and God and most pages make me cry. There are some things in there that really, really hit home for me.

Reality Check

Today I found out an old friend of mine died yesterday. We aren't close anymore, but I would see him from time to time. It's hitting me way harder than I think it should. Perhaps with everything I went thru I'm more "sensitive" to these things, or maybe it's just rubbing my own mortality in my face. Whatever it is, I'm so extremely distraught about it. I'm feeling so much sadness for his sister (who was one of my very best friend in high school) and his mother (who used to make me lunch every day). For all of his friends, for him, and for myself. He had one of the biggest hearts I've ever known.

Fog

Yesterday I remembered suddenly, that I was supposed to take the twins to see their teacher on Friday...last Friday. I could use excuses like River being sick or Raine having a reaction to her shot; but when I'm really honest with myself I know that when I woke up Friday morning I had absolutely no idea that I was supposed to take them.

I've been trying to write things down on my calendar and I'm doing pretty good with that, but not very good with checking it every morning. I told Bryan I wanted sticky notes for Valentine's Day.

On Facebook, people have been posting a pic of them with their "sweetheart" and stating how long they've been together. In the spirit of Valentine's Day (which is a crock to me, but whatever), I posted a pic of Bryan and I and put how long we've been together. It's easy to figure out the numbers by dates. A friend posted that she can't believe it's been that long already. To be honest, I don't feel that way at all. When I think back to my wedding it seems like a different lifetime. It's like there's a river of fog between "now" and "then", but I can't figure out when exactly in time the fog lifts.

And even more honestly, I feel as tho Skye has fallen into that fog...or at least the early years when I built our strong bond. I find myself grasping at it, but it's just out of my reach. It's breaking my heart. I look at her and can't remember when she was a baby. I mean, I can remember it, but it seems so long ago and only key moments stick out in my head - ironically the same key moments that are caught on photograph.

The two ways I can explain my mind is this:

1-when I'm just looking back to the past: a river of fog - like a line separating "then" and "now", without knowing when exactly "then" ends and "now" begins.

2-trying to remember something specific: swimming downward in mud toward the memory.

I don't know at what point I should bring this up to my doctor. Everything I've read says that if you have problems after 6 months, some say a year. I'm definately going to bring it up at my March appointment...if I remember.

New Worries

The other night, around 8pm my cell phone rang. It was a familiar number, but I couldn't place it so I answered it. It was my OB. He told me not to panic, that he just wanted to call me because there was a "question" on my pap test and that because of all the chemo I was on this year he wants to take a look at my cervix thru a microscope.

Half of me doesn't think it's a big deal. I just had a PET scan two weeks before that and it didn't show anything...or did it? I mean, they did miss my big green lung when they looked at my very first PET scan, why not miss a little ol' cervix? This leads me to the other half of me who is worried and pissed off and sick of this shit. I just started relaxing and not being such a paranoid android. I just started feeling more positive about my prospects on living for awhile. And of coarse, there's the matter of this happening pretty much around the same time as I found the mass in my neck next last year.

So I looked up my test results online. They said that I tested positive for high risk of HPV, but that no actual HPV was detected. This "question" could just be due to chemo causing cells to be abnormal or it could be more. At this point I'm trying to not even think about it. I mean, why bother? I'm going on February 1st to be violated some more.

After having two pregnancies, three kids, and cancer I think that pretty much everyone has seen my ass. I do believe that if someone offered to pay me to run around naked I would. Why not?

Epic Fail

Today was the K4 open house; the last day of the "Dinosaur Days" in the classroom. We got a note home on Monday about it. The twins came home yesterday with stickers advertising the event. I wrote it in my planner. It was very important to them and I told them we'd stop in after we picked up Skye from school today.

We went to pick up Skye, and she ended up going to her friend's house after school. Bryan picked her up at 5:00 and when they came home, she told me she wanted to go to the open house...

As if I hadn't known about it in the first place, I completely forgot about it.

I scrambled thru their dirty laundry basket, loathing myself for being so defective and found the sticker. So very lucky for me, it went until 6pm but that didn't make me feel any better.

We all walked up to the school together, me in tears the whole time at the knowledge that something so important to them could just slip into the black hole in my mind. I've always thought that being a mom was something I was really good at, but not today. Of course I was glad that no one noticed I'd been completely blank about it, not so much that no one noticed my tears.

Menstrual Ranting

Right now, I'm irate. I'm hormonal. I'm dealing. I'm sick of dealing. I'm expected to just go back to normal. I'm expected to be quiet, nice Sarah. I'm not that person anymore, at least I don't feel like I am. I don't feel very nice and I really don't feel very quiet. I'm trying to plan the twins birthday party and already there's a problem just with the date. I should have it this day instead or in the afternoon so so-and-so can come. So here it is, the honest to God truth. I don't give a shit who comes to the fucking party.

I remember last year on the day before their birthday I was called into the doctor's office to be told I probably have cancer. Did I whine about the birthday party? Did I cancel it? No, I stayed up pretty late, decorating cakes and cleaning. I put all of my all into the damn thing, as mother's do. I pretended there was nothing wrong so that my girls wouldn't associate their birthday to my getting sick, but I associate it that way. So forgive me for being overly emotional and extra crabby. Forgive me that for once you have to listen to me rant and rave rather than the other way around.

I am so sick and tired of everything. Tired of listening all the time and never talking. Tired of talking and never being listened to. Tired of my job. Tired of my house. Tired of my shoes. Tired of my hair. Tired of bending over backwards to please everyone and never feeling pleased. Tired of standing in a room full of people and feeling alone. I feel bitter and spiteful and full of anger and I just want to tell the whole world to fuck off right now.

And this is how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different, and by Monday I will probably have been able to push this all back down to wherever it came from. Back to the darker side of me.

Snow Globes and Scars

I just drove home from work in a snow "storm" and it was so beautiful. I felt like I was inside of a snow globe. I actually had some pretty intense feelings about it. Just like with the Christmas lights, I felt as if I was watching the snow fall for the very first time. It made me sad that I hadn't appreciated it this much before and happy I was alive to experience it. As with most of my mood swings, the sad easily dominates the rest of my feelings and I find my self scanning my foggy mind for something better to focus on. I found myself wishing I had a bottle of wine and someone to walk with in this beauty.

I've been feeling agitated more and more lately as events are coming up on me fast and I'm having a hard time putting my attention on them. There's a bridal shower, the twins birthday, a bachelorette party, and a wedding (all of which I'm looking forward to). I can't remember what I'm supposed to do, if I did it, etc. I'm always distracted by something...look it's a unicorn!

And speaking of the wedding, I went to try on my dress and got a little choked up seeing a big ugly mediport scar sticking out. It may as well have been blinking "look at me". I hate it. It makes me want to wear a t-shirt under my dress. I'm thinking "Tits Houdini" is gone forever. As if I don't have enough body issues without adding all my cancer scars to the mix. I've pretty much overcome the one on my neck since it's tiny and scarves are in style right now. The armpit isn't that big of a deal since I don't usually walk around waving my arm in the air. But the chest - all mixed in with my pride and joy tattoo...having a hard time embracing that part of me.